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The Pyro Report/Episode 3

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It was a beautiful day in New Wikisburg. Pyro woke up early to post the new episode of the Pyro Report.

On his wall was a picture that said "PYRO CAN DO WHAT VALVE CAN'T". Pyro smiled at this picture and went over to his chair.

There was a bang, and a mysterious figure came in... and kidnapped Pyro.


Waddle Dee stepped onto the stage in excitement. "Heeellooo, ladies and gents, and welcome to Episode 1 of The Waddle Dee Report!"

NSM walked onto the stage. "Hey, Waddle Dee...Have you seen Pyro, Lololo, or Lalala? I can't find them anywhere."

Waddle Dee smiled. "Oh, Lololo and Lalala? They're at the strip club getting drunk."

"...they have clothes?"

"No, but apparently they like to get drunk..."

NSM paused for a second. "...And as for Pyro?"

"Pyro?" Waddle Dee laughed. "I don't have the slightest idea where he is!"

NSM raised his eyebrows. "...Oh, really. Sure."

Waddle Dee thought he bought it. As NSM walked off the stage, he was prepared to speak out with the news.

"Alright! First up, a massive outbreak of West Crocodile Virus has broken out in Pikipedia...wait, what the fuck? This isn't the news..."

He walked off the stage to come back with the real news.

"New Super Mario Bros. 2 came out last weekend, and fans went crazy over it! Well, at least half. The other half complained that Wario wasn't in the game. NSMB2 is also available in the Nintendo eShop for a ridiculously high price..."

GP blasted through the wall. "Mario isn't the only one after coins, I know it!!!" he screamed.

"Get off the stage, GP." Waddle Dee ordered.

"You're not the boss of me!"

"Pyro isn't here. I am filling in for him. Deal with it."

"Oh, you suck. I'm going wherever Lololo and Lalala went!"

As GP walked off the stage, Waddle Dee quietly snickered.

"Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!" Lalala screamed as they were inexplicably running from the sun.


GP bursted outside to see them running for their lives.

"Well, if they're being chased by the sun, I guess they can't run off into the sunset!!!"

(ba dum crash)

Lololo accidentally tripped and then was burnt to a golden brown as the sun continued to chase Lalala.

Lololo noticed GP was there and called out to him. "GP! Help! Pyro! Waddle! Dee! Food! Water! Pyro! Is! In....."

Before Lololo could finish, he passed out.

"Aw god dammit!! They always do this shit for climatic effect!!!" GP yelled, and he stomped down the streets.

Waddle Dee was still going on with the news. Most audience members had left.

"In Ice Land, the temperature this week will be below freezing!"

"...you don't say?" Tabuu said as he walked out of the theater to find a different written fiction to be in.

The theater was deprived of audience members, so Waddle Dee decided to pull out his trump card.


"Welcome, GutsehMan!" Waddle Dee screamed.

No one came out.

Waddle Dee dashed backstage to find GutsehMan taking a nap on a bunch of metal crates, one of which was moving and screaming "shitshitshitshit".

Waddle Dee pulled out a tuba and blew into it.

Comically, GutsehMan did not wake up.

Waddle Dee proceeded to pull out some of the loudest things ever, like cell phone ringtones!

GutsehMan still wouldn't wake up.

Waddle Dee decided to throw the talking metal box into the ocean instead of having to deal with Sleeper Creeper.

The sun had finally got tired of chasing Lalala, so she walked all the way to the strip club to get drunk.

Lololo was already there, passing out constantly.

"oh yeah i like totally peed on the carpet seven times at sixteen in the afternoon..."

He passed out again.

The sheer force of the metal box crashing onto the ocean floor broke the box into a bunch of pieces, freeing Pyro.

"Oh god the water, it burns!" Pyro screamed as he spun like a drill to reach the top of the ocean.

As he swam back to sweet land, he realized he was in Trollsboro.

"Oh, shit..." Pyro said as he hid behind a wall.

As soon as the coast was clear, he dived back into the water even though it burned so hard.


...Pyro almost died in the water, but he swam fast enough to get back onto the other side.

"...Good old New Wikisburg...Now, I need to get some food."

He saw a Japan-like building in the distance, and even though he didn't like Japanese food that much, it was the first thing he saw.

Meanwhile, Waddle Dee had hypnotized GutsehMan into waking up and "becoming his servant" (somehow).

Waddle Dee leaped back onto the stage with Servant Gutseh, as he called himself.

"Hello, empty stage, and I'm back with our special guest for today!"

"WH@ d0 j00 w4N7, m4s73R W4Ddl3 d33?" Servant Gutseh said.

"Oh god, he speaks leet..." Waddle Dee groaned.

"1 5PEEk PErfECtLY ph1nE, ma5TER."

"...STOP SPEAKING LEET!" Waddle Dee yelled. He slapped Gutseh.

"wHY 73h PHux0r DiD j00 D0 7H@, M4573r?!"

"Because you need to stop speaking leet."

"W3 K4N H4v3 4 P3rf3ctly F1ND kONv3r54T1ON 1F w3 8OtH 5P34k l33t, m45t3r."

"Okay, fine. Now, what should we talk about?" Waddle Dee said.

"Y0U're N07 SPEEK1N' LEE7 ye7, m4s7er"

Waddle Dee groaned. "KK, N0W 1'M 5P34k1N' L337. H4Ppy? 900D. N0w, l37'5 574r7 73h 1N73rv13W."

"Wan7 a KUp 0F k0FFEe, mA57er?"

"AAAARRGGGH!" Waddle Dee yelled.


"j00're N07 5peeK1NG lee7 4NYM0re, M457ER..."

Waddle Dee snapped his fingers in anger.

Gutseh yawned. "...Eh? Where am I?"

Waddle Dee stuffed him into a metal box and proceeded to toss him into the ocean within thirty seconds.

Pyro had reached the Japanese building to find out that it wasn't a restaurant and that a gray Kirby was spray-painting it.

"That Kirby is working for iCarly, I just know it! They both insult the Japanese!"


However, Pyro's mood improved right then, because Lololo and Lalala stumbled out of the strip club nearby.

Lalala apparently had recovered quickly, but Lololo was still heavily drunk.

"and the fuzzy sun hit my bonkers and toilet rainbows..."

NSM and GP also appeared from hammerspace. GP said he needed to go run a few "errands" though, so Pyro, NSM, a drunk Lololo, and Lalala met up at that corner.

"Pyro! Where did you go?" NSM said with delight.

"Waddle Dee stuffed me into a metal box and tossed me into the ocean..." Pyro muttered.

"I knew he was up to something. Let's go!"

Pyro, NSM, and Lalala started walking, but Lololo was standing on his head in front of the bar.

"the mouse grabbed the tomato and raced wolf on the lylat cruise..."

In a nutshell: They had to drag him back.

The three plus Lololo being dragged burst into the stage to find Waddle Dee drinking insane amounts of coffee.

Dee noticed them immediately and spat out his coffee. "PWWWAATTT!! Wait, this isn't what you think, I swear!"


GP suddenly busted through the wall with the police.

"GAH! Oh crap, the police!" Waddle Dee shrieked.

The officer handcuffed Waddle Dee and walked away.

"Nooo! My evil plans! Curse you, GP! Cuuuuuuuuuuurse yooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuu!"

The police car drove away with Waddle Dee, heading for the stoney lonesome.

GP was doing a weird dance. "I'm awesome! I'm awesome! I saved! The! Day!"

Pyro laughed. "Uh, yeah, you did...I guess we can close it here?"

"Wait!" GP screamed. "Where's my crowning moment of awesome?"

"It already passed, GP."

"Aw, dammit!"