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Late Night with Tabuu and Mason/S01E04
"This episode is going to suck." Tabuu said.
Tabuu and Mason were already at their seats in the studio- no pre-episode hijinks this time, no siree!
Toadbert101 hadn’t yet started airing, but he was getting ready, adjusting the camera and getting into his seat. There were some people in the audience- mostly people that were hoping to get interviewed or feel the magic touch of the hosts.
However, the cheering audience suddenly went silent after hearing Tabuu’s words. "What do you mean, it’s going to suck?" Mason asked. He looked worried.
"It’s episode four." Tabuu explained, "You know, four. Shi. Sounds like death to some people. You know, the four horsemen of the apocalypse, or-"
"Or four leaf clovers? The most unlucky thing on the face of the planet!?"
"Well, Mason...those don’t exist. Those were a ruse created by drunken men wearing green skirts."
"Nah-uh!" Mason insisted, "I once found a 396-leaf-clover!"
"That’s because you ripped a patch of clovers out of the ground. That doesn’t count, Mase."
"Oh..." the Magikoopa frowned, and then brightened up. "Well, I do have something I’d like to discuss about the number four..."
"Well..." Mason turned and motioned toward Toadbert101 and whispered "Zoom into my face dramatically."
Toadbert gave a thumbs up and did so.
"Notice how there were four switch palaces in Super Mario World? Yellow, Green, Red and Blue?"
"Totally. What’re you trying to say?"
"And notice how the Mario brothers, Wario, and Waluigi fit those colors? Red, green, yellow and blue!?" Mason said excitedly.
"Quiet, you. AND FINALLY. Peach and Daisy make red and yellow."
"But Mason, Peach is..."
"AND OF COURSE, ROSALINA HAS A GREEN DRESS!" Mason was breathing rapidly.
"Mason, she’s b-" Tabuu cut himself off.
"After years of analyzing, I determine that our next princess will wear a blue dress! And," Mason added, "this is totally not an excuse for me to ship Wario X Daisy..."
"Okay, okay. Enough shipping." Tabuu looked over to Toadbert. "You started airing, didn’t you?"
"The moment you opened your mouths." Toadbert said.
"I’ll try not to think about that." Tabuu said. So much for lack of pre-episode hijinx. He then made eye contact with the camera. "Hello," he said, "And Welcome!"
"To Late Night!"
Mason began to sneeze.
Tabuu sighed. "Don’t do the shit you did last time, Mase. You started beating on your coffin and I had dig you out of your grave."
"Usually I’m the one digging myself out of holes... and putting myself in them."
"Was I supposed to catch an innuendo there?"
"I’ll give you one hint: orange juice."
Tabuu reeled back. "Don’t say that kind of stuff when we’re live!"
"Can I say it when we’re dead?"
"I’ve already killed you once."
"Not counting the incident where I nearly caused the apocalypse and you beat me to death with the bag of bones from our deboned third friend?"
Tabuu gave a nervous laugh. "What are you talking about, Mase!? IT’S ALWAYS BEEN JUST YOU AND ME."
Mason coughed. "Jeffrey must have been my imagination..." he muttered.
Tabuu gave a nervous gulp at the sound of the name, but gave a sigh of relief when it seemed that Mason had been convinced. "Alright then," he said, "So what’re you going to be reviewing today?"
"First couple issues of Wreck." Mason said quietly.
"Nice." Tabuu said, staring directly into the camera, "Today, I’m going to review Dimensions, a story written by Master Koopakid." Mason sighed and Tabuu gave a sinister smile. "Let’s start with the prologue-"
"Hey, you didn’t say you were starting-"
"IT WAS A DARK AND MYSTERIOUS NIGHT IN MARIO WIKI-"
"No, dammit Tabuu-"
"NO ONE WAS EVER THERE THIS LATE-"
"Stop- stop, I’m not done talki-"
"'DO YOU HAVE PLANS FOR THE PORTA-’"
Tabuu was interrupted due to a large flowerpot being smashed over his head. The Sysop collapsed to the floor, unconscious for the moment. Wait, where did Mason get a flowerpot!?
Mason, I’m the narrator and I demand you tell me- "AND THAT, TABUU," Mason started, "is what you get for eating Trix. You know this is a Froot Loops -only organization."
"H-how did you know..." Tabuu groaned, pulling himself up, "I keep that stashed in my basement..."
"I have my ways." Mason said.
Tabuu eased himself back into his chair. "Alright," he said, "My review. I’m just going to start this out in the simplest manner possible- this story sucks. A lot. But, Master Koopakid shows some decent potential. Nothing of relevance happens in the prologue or chapter one, and the writing itself seems rather amateurish. It isn’t too bad, though. If Koopakid gets back to writing fics, he can get some more criticism and should improve based on it."
Mason woke up. "I wasn’t asleep."
"I...didn’t say you were...?"
The robed Koopa leaned back into his seat and closed his eyes. "Mmm-hmm..."
"Mase. Wake up."
Mason woke up. "I’m awake!"
"You keep dozing off. You dreaming about something?"
Mason glared at his co-host. "Someone."
Tabuu winced. "Mason, what happened wasn’t my fault. The thing with Jeffrey just happened. Don’t blame me for it."
Mason was about to retort, but Toadbert intervened. "Guys," he said, "The review?"
"We’re a talk show, Toadbert." Tabuu shot back.
"Yet no free cars under the seats." Mason frowned.
Wait, where did that come from? "It’s not your job to question things, Narrator!" Mason shouted.
But- but I swear that wasn’t there just- "Narrator, shut up." Tabuu snarled.
Toadbert looked around from behind the camera. "Guys? Who are you talking to?"
"Well um... Tabuu... do you want to get to finishing up your review?"
"Oh, uh, yeah. I don’t feel like going into specifics. This story sucks, but the author can get better. Five outta ten. Mediocre."
"Okie dokie artichokey..." Mason said, beginning to drool.
Tabuu gave a disturbed shudder. "Anyways," he said, "Friday the 13th passed a while ago. What do you think of this paranoia-inducing day, Mason? Is it just-" Tabuu was cut off by the sound of a chainsaw starting up.
Mason pulled his hockey mask up. "It’s all just superstition."
Tabuu was frightened. "H-hah! Yeah! Superstition! Say, Mason, you hang around lakes? You know, where you might’ve drowned once? Where teenagers camp? Where you kill them while they’re fucking?"
"A magician never reveals his secrets... or something to that effect..." Mason said, trailing off.
My god, Tabuu thought, This explains so much. That’s how Voorhees is always in the most inconvenient place. He fucking teleports. Oh shit. Oh shit Mason’s gonna kill me. Tabuu gave a nervous laugh.
"I heard that-" Mason growled.
"Let me finish," Mason grumbled, "I heard that some campers are disrespectful to toucans."
"Oh...oh, so they’re toucan-racists?"
"Yes," Mason said, "Yes they are. There is undeniable proof."
Tabuu stared at his palms. "I never knew..." he muttered.
Mason quickly stood up. "And now it's time for my part of the show: Mason's Comic Critique Corner!"
"Don't you call this something different every time?" Tabuu muttered.
"Quiet, you!" the Magikoopa barked. "Now, as I said earlier, I'll be reviewing the first two Issues of Wreck by Toadbert."
"Let’s do this." Tabuu said.
The Magikoopa began to flap his beak, "Our story begins with Boshi getting out of a car to meet Mr. L."
Tabuu glared at Mason.
"Now," Mason said, "I know that Mr. L is supposed to be Crash, but I have no idea who the blue Yoshi is supposed to be."
"Can't you read?" Tabuu commented, "The description says it's Xzelion."
"Reading is for the literate!" Mason said, as if he had made some sort of daring comeback.
Tabuu looked as though he was about to say something, but changed his mind. "Continue with your review, man."
"Anyway," Mason continued, "they entered a gorgeous house and had a discussion. Then-"
"Mason." Tabuu said. "You don't need to describe every last detail of the comic. Point out the good things and the bad things."
"Well," Mason sighed, "This is probably one of the nicest looking sprite comics I've ever seen. There's no resizing, and the lighting effects are wonderful."
Tabuu frowned. "You sound disappointed."
"Well," Mason rattled, "it's just that I usually have something to make fun of, but this comic looks pretty perfect. I guess the only worry I have is that I feel like it gets to be monotonous to read unless I'm fully awake or sober."
"The next issue is nice too, and I really like how he did the soccer ball with the vending machine," Mason said.
"Yeah," Tabuu scoffed, "if it were one of your comics, you would just put a giant pixelated explosion effect over the vending machine."
"Now it's time for me to rate the comic," Mason said, sitting down. "The visuals get a ten out of ten. Not much else to say; it's beautiful."
"Uh-huh..." Tabuu yawned.
"Readability gets a... nine. I mean, there was nothing wrong with the reliability-"
"-Then why did you give it a nine?" Tabuu interrupted, waking up.
"-But I can't give a comic a perfect score, and part of readability is keeping me interested." Mason continued.
"Says you." Tabuu snorted.
"Today I won't be doing a category three, so let's move to interestingness. I'll have to say seven, because it took me awhile to give this comic a good look, but once I did, I was pleasantly surprised." Mason rambled.
"All of your criticism is based on the fact you didn’t read it." Tabuu facepalmed.
"Basically. So I'm going to have to give this comic an A plus, which marks the first comic I give that high a rating to!" Mason said.
"Goodie gumdrops!" Tabuu said sarcastically. He paused. "Now that that’s over..."
"...It’s time for our interview!" Mason announced.
"Tonight, we're joined by a mutual friend- and personal big brother figure- Anton!" Tabuu held out his hand, "Everybody, give your applause!
Mason clapped and Anton walked into the camera’s view, lightly applauding himself. "Hiya!" he said.
Mason pulled out large pink recliner and flattened the guest seat with it. He then indicated Anton to sit down- and immediately after, the redheaded Magikoopa flopped into it.
"Tabuu may be wondering how I could afford that chair," Mason said, "Since it's nicer than our chairs- well, it had absolutely nothing to do with recent budget cuts in the studio!"
One of the lights on the ceiling plummeted to the ground and shattered.
"The comfort is definitely worth it." Anton said.
Tabuu’s eye twitched. "I'm going to choke the life out of you later." he hissed to Mason.
"Go ahead Tabuu, you can ask the first question!" Mason said, slapping Tabuu on the back.
The reaper gave a saccharine smile and leaned forward, facing Anton. "Well, Anton- how did you find Userpedia?" he asked.
"Well," Anton said, "I've been in a Pokémon community that I've owned for a few years now that's been on the same server as MW and UP." Anton gave a cough and continued, "One day, a few strays users from Mario Wiki joined my Pokémon community- it was completely normal, but suddenly they came in hordes!"
"I had to defend my beloved people with my banhammer!" Anton said, "And I still do, but I ended up flailing my banhammer at my own people eventually!"
"I used to flail my Bureaucrat boots up people's asses." Tabuu nodded his assent, "I know all about troublesome users, trust me."
"It’s a very good community now, though. Nobody’s around. It’s quiet." Anton grinned and reclined back in his chair.
"Quiet is good," Tabuu agreed, "You got any questions, Mase?"
Mason suddenly blew a trumpet. "Yes!" he shouted, "I have a very important question!"
"And that is?"
"...Where did I get that trumpet?"
Tabuu blinked. "Hammerspace?" he proposed, pulling a can of Mountain Dew (buy now!) out of nowhere and starting to drink it.
Mason reached toward Anton's glasses "Are these the source of your hypo powers?" he asked.
"Yes!" Anton cheered, "Let me show you!" There were loud WHIR WHIR WHIRS. "Now Mason," Anton said, "I have a question for you! Who's the bestest person and most handsome guy ever?"
Mason's head sunk and snapped up. "Toucan....Sam...of course..."
"HEY!" Anton shouted. The whirs increased in frequency and volume.
"Touca...n...ALL GLORY TO HYPNOTOAD!"
"Whee!" Anton cheered, clapping gleefully.
Tabuu hit Mason in the back of the head to temporarily snap him out of it and pointed a finger at Anton. "Bad Anton!"
Anton frowned. "Sorry."
"Now Anton," Tabuu said, "We know why you came- why did you stay?"
"I quickly grew to like the new people I found in the MW and UP community," Anton replied, "Making friends with people like Mason who, if I'm remembering correctly, really likes to dance. Eventually, I settled into the place."
Mason had started to do a terrible rendition of the Robot, and Tabuu responded by forced him back into his seat.
"...Or was it jumping on people's backs that Mason really liked?" Anton wondered aloud.
Mason leaped from his seat and into the audience.
From somewhere behind the camera, somebody screamed "MY SPLEEN!"
Mason walked back onstage. "I guess those insurance wavers came in handy, eh Tabuu?" Mason grinned, sitting back in his seat.
"We...never had any..." Tabuu put his face in his hands.
"So Anton," Mason asked, "Is there anything you did during your early time in Userpedia that you now regret?"
"I've never really been too active in anything outside admin duties, like editing and stories and stuff, because I just never felt comfortable enough to do so...but at least this chair is comfortable."
"So Anton," Tabuu asked, "Do you think me and Mason are adequately attractive talk show hosts?"
Mason blew his nose into an old pizza slice.
"Well," Anton said, "I'm not entirely sure about you, Tabuu." He looked over to Mason and continued, "Mason has those glorious robes, that majestic hat, the strong and powerful beak, remarkable magic prowess. Magikoopas are more than adequate, so maybe it evens out between you two."
"Remarkable powers..." Mason grumbled, raising his wand towards Tabuu, "Yes, Master..."
Tabuu jumped out of his seat, slammed his feet into Mason's chest, and knocked him backwards, sending them both to the floor. "Don't try that shit!" Tabuu shouted, raising his scythe into the air.
Anton threw a blooper at Tabuu’s face and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"Ah! What the fuc-" Tabuu accidentally kicked Mason in the face, knocking him unconscious while trying to pry the blooper off of his face.
Tabuu fell to the floor, grasping and pulling at the clingy squid while Mason’s face-blood pooled on the polished wood floor.
"Should I stop the stream?" Toadbert called.
"What do you fucking think!?" Tabuu shouted.
The show continued for a few more seconds, and the broadcast cut off.