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Late Night with Tabuu and Mason/S01E03
The Day Before Saint Patrick’s Day.
The lights in the studio flickered on.
Inside of his chair was Tabuu, curled into a fetal position with a notebook labelled "Late Night Episode Three" in his arms. Papers were strewn across the floor, often times with large red X’s on them- they had been episode ideas.
Mason the Magikoopa was no better.
His hat was lopsided and his hands were grasping at his face, streaks of Mason Green (the color used in the moon in the logo) crayon all over his body, his chair, and the floor.
The sleeping talk show hosts had gone insane.
"Tabuu, Mason," a Luigi lookalike said from behind the camera, "It’s time to air."
"Already?" Mason groaned, pulling himself up. He sat up straight in his chair and looked over to Tabuu. After a moment of contemplation, he threw an empty spellbook at his co-host.
Tabuu jolted awake. "Oh God," he whined, "It’s time to air, isn’t it?"
The Luigi lookalike, who the narrator now recognizes as Toadbert101, looked from behind the camera. "We’re live right now." he said.
"Hello..." Mason grumbled.
"And welcome..." Tabuu sighed.
"To Late Night..." Mason grabbed a flask from beneath his robes and chugged it down.
"With Tabuu..." Tabuu said, brightening slightly after saying his own name.
"And Mason." the Magikoopa finished his drink and belched loudly. He then cast a quick spell, which cleaned up the two hosts and the studio. The lights brightened, and Mason leaned forward.
"Today," Mason said, "We’re here to talk about Saint Patrick’s Day-"
"I’m, like, one fourth Irish-"
"Tabuu’s going to review Nabber’s story, Nabberture Science, and I’m going to review Neptune’s comic, A Spammers Revenge."
"Ah," Mason said, perking up. "Saint Patrick’s Day. The day where we paint colored eggs in hopes of a giant rabbit breaking into our house to leave candy in our room."
"That’s Easter, bro."
"Yes..." the Magikoopa said dreamily, ignoring his cohost, "Saint Patrick’s Day. My second favorite autumn holiday, right after Kwanzaa."
Tabuu rolled his eyes. "I should probably get you a calendar. Anyways, have any of our friends in the community made an effort to celebrate this holiday?"
"Not that I know of." Mason thought for a second. "Well, I did replace one of the boxes of Froot Loops in my cabinet with Lucky Charms."
"Yes, because Irish men chase children through abandoned forests."
"I used to do that too until... well, let’s not get into that." Mason hastily changed the subject. "Planning on getting drunk tomorrow?"
Tabuu pulled a small bottle of scotch out of his robes and chugged it down. "Way ahead of you." he slurred.
"I wish I could discuss some St. Patrick’s Day news but I haven’t mastered time travel yet!" Mason said as the lights flickered. Suddenly, a middle-aged Magikoopa with five o’ clock shadow appeared.
"YOU’LL MASTER IT SOMEDAY!" he screamed.
And he was gone.
Tabuu paused for a moment, blinked rapidly, and shook his head. "Whoa, shit...I should probably stop drinking." He tossed the bottle over his head and took a syringe out of his pocket. Biting down on a piece of fabric, he carefully inserted the needle into his arm and injected himself with crystal meth.
"Insulin!? I didn’t know you were diabetic!" His Magikoopa co-host said naively.
Tabuu’s eyes glazed over.
"Yeah," he said, scanning the empty audience with glassy eyes, "Insulin is some good shit..." His head drooped backward, and he lost consciousness.
Tabuu jolted awake.
He was in an unfamiliar room. Was it a room? No, it clearly wasn’t- sure, he was standing on a completely flat floor, yet it was also completely transparent, revealing a galaxy of stars beneath his feet. He looked upward and saw a bursting supernova of incredible colors, and his mouth dropped open in child-like joy.
"This is amazing!" the stoner cheered, raising his arms in the air.
The supernova’s blast was coming closer. It was coming at Tabuu!
Tabuu was fearful for a moment, then smirked. "COME AT ME, BRO!" he shouted, ripping open his clothes and screaming at the approaching apocalypse in the nude, "You’re just a little faggot supernova! I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER!"
Tabuu’s naked body exploded with magnificent power, and he was coated in a golden aura. The blast had reached him. Tabuu pulled back his fist, and swung-
"OW FUCK!" Tabuu gave an agonized shriek as he regained consciousness. Understandable, too- because he was on the receiving end of a thunderbolt from a Pikachu that Mason had acquired at some undetermined time.
"He’s still not waking up!" Mason yelled. "Give him another Thunderbolt, Pikachu!"
"NO! OH GOD, PLEASE!"
"He’s awake!" Mason made a grand, sweeping gesture. "And now," he said, "It's time for everyone's favorite part of the show... Mason's Comic Review!"
"Because pictures are worth a thousand words." Tabuu hissed, fully roused from his drug-induced slumber and quite, quite pissed off at his co-host.
"Or in my case, a thousand cheap laughs! And what better way to start this off than with A Spammers Revenge from the beloved Kingbowser99/Neptune!"
"Everybody’s your beloved, aren’t they?"
Mason cleared his throat. "As usual-"
"Because changes in schedule drive you insane." Tabuu snickered.
"I will be reviewing just the first two episodes. So let's begin." Mason sat down, casting a glare at Tabuu before he began to speak.
The reaper smirked back at him.
"The comic begins with a giant purple MS-paint-blob called 'The Nega Zone', ruled by..." Mason stood and took a deep breath, "EMPEROOOR YOSHIIIII!"
Tabuu raised an eyebrow.
"Hey," the Magikoopa said, "It was before my time. I never met the guy. After that, we see Neptune, Scarecrow, Spiny Master and two other users talking in a colorful room about Bowserpedia. Ah, Bowserpedia."
"Looks like Mason’s a terrorist."
"At risk of being barbecued by Neptune," Mason continued hastily, "Let's move on. It seems to have led to a joke about Cobold... which obviously I probably would have found funnier if I knew who he was."
"Between you and me, I don’t know the guy either."
Mason looked at the projector thoughtfully. "Well, that picture turned out pretty dumb-looking."
"So back to the comic, we see more talking and then we get to our last frame with a minor cliffhanger about Palkia. I need to stop expecting all comics to have a punchline on the final frame."
Mason smiled. "We now start the next comic with something that made me chuckle the first time I read it. A purple Wart recolor and Chester Cheetah-"
"The purple fatty is Jaime- real asshole, by the way- and the other one...his name escapes me."
Mason slapped his hands onto his knees impatiently, "-Are in a throne room, and ‘Jamie’ says 'and that is why Jim Carrey should never do anymore movies'."
"Hey, I like Jim Carrey but it was a funny and unexpected way for Neptune to start a comic. Then... let's see... chase scene, blur effects, submarine with freaky 3D Koopa sprite-"
"Well," Mason continued, "it's hard not to skim since I've read this comic about a nine million times."
Tabuu hissed and crushed a glass of water in his hand. Yes, there was blood.
"Then stuff, stuff, stuff," Mason paused upon seeing Tabuu then continued, "And we see Scarecrow, Smasher, and Neptune walking down to a lab."
Mason stood up for a second, kicked his shoes off and sat down. "Remind me not to wear the same pair of socks for two weeks straight," he said.
"And now," Mason beamed, "it's time for The Awesome Killer Extraordinary Powerful Recently Indisputably Stupendous Optimistic Nice Elegant Radical Superb Made-Up And Sexily Outstanding Nifty Ultimate Nonstop Daringly Edgy Respectable Sharp Tubular And Neat Dandy Special Mason's Addictive Sincere Timeless Efficient Reputable Magical Interesting Nutty Dazzling Sprite Comic Rating And Very Ingeniously Named Grand Scale Under Cooky Critters Eating Slimy Sausages!"
"You like slimy sausages, don’t you?"
Mason ignored his co-host and took a deep breath. "Or TAKEPRISONERSMASONUNDERSTANDSMASTERMINDSCRAVINGSUCCESS for short."
"Be right back, I need to kill John Lennon."
"Visuals... eight outta ten." Mason said firmly. "It was interesting for the most part, and I try to avoid commenting on sprite clashes for user comics, but the blue koopa was weird, and the Nega-Zone was MS Paint. Intentional or not, it wasn't always easy on the eyes. But eight outta ten is still a high rating!"
Tabuu rolled his eyes.
"Readabilty, ten outta ten. Nothing to downvote, so moving on." Mason said.
"Category 3 is where I rate things like humor or action. Here I'll rate suspense and unpredictability, which I will give a nine outta ten." Mason said, and added quickly: "Remember, I'm only rating the first two comics, so it might get better than what I'm rating right now."
Mason rubbed his eyes a little. "And now, let's go to my own interest in the story. I hate to throw N/As around, but I really don't have enough knowledge on the users the story is based around. Now... drumroll please..."
Tabuu made fake drum noises with his mouth. Said noises sounded very realistic, due to Tabuu being a phenomenal beatboxer. Did you know that?
"F MINUS! YOUR STORY SUCKS! Just kidding, you get an A. Good job!"
"And now," Tabuu said, "For my Review. Today, I’m reviewing Nabberture Science, and like all good stories, it starts with the main character getting drugged and waking up naked in an unfamiliar location."
"That sounds more like how I met you, Tabuu" Mason said, lost in thought.
Tabuu gave a nostalgic sigh. "It does, doesn’t it? Anyways, the story progresses with Smasher, the aforementioned main character, meeting Dempsey. They figure out the name of the place and meet my big brother (Anton), who, for some reason, is now the Fact Sphere, who leads them around the place. Nabber pulls a GLaDOS and gets them into a testing room, where they learn to think with portals."
"As the tale goes on," Tabuu continued, leaning back in his chair, "Smasher and Dempsey learn more about Nabberture and the such. They also spend a bunch of time talking to Anton, who still claims he isn’t Anton, but still responds to the name. There’s not much regard to the fourth wall in these chapters, something I really like- and, hey, the writing itself is excellent. The first time I read Nabberture Science, I literally went around trying to get people to read it, even copypasting entire chapters into chat. That’s how much I loved it. That’s all I’m covering for now- I’ll cover more another time if Nabber starts updating this, hint-hint."
Mason took a look at his watch.
"Nabberture Science gets a eight-point-five outta ten for plot- it’s good, but not extraordinary; the mechanics of the writing and the style are absolutely perfect, so that’s a full ten of ten; I find the characters amusing and three dimensional, so Nab’s got that nailed with another eight-point-five; and finally, I give the story a total score of nine out of ten- a must-read, in other words. Also," Tabuu said, "Fuck Math."
"And now," Mason started, "It’s time for our special guest! The one and only Super Mario Bros!"
If an audience had been present, they would have clapped. We think.
"Man," Mason gushed, "How did you get THE Mario and Luigi to come on the show? Seriously, I pride myself in knowing these two famous plumbers have taken the time to appear on our show."
Tabuu sighed. "Mase," he said, "It's just one guy. SMB, the Steward of Userpedia!" Tabuu paused. "And..." he added, "...our boss."
"Oh, him!" Mason gasped, "Of course! I was...uh.... joking! Yeah, that's it!" Mason pointed past the camera. "Now all 5 of you in the audience, give a round applause for the one, the only, SMB!"
Userpedia’s Steward sighed.
"Mase," Tabuu sighed, "There's nobody in our audience."
"Crickets are people too!"
"And at Userpedia," SMB smiled, "We try to appeal to as many audiences as possible- crickets included."
"I think it's one of our more progressive policies." Tabuu nodded.
"Yeah," Mason agreed, "Now...onto the first question. In all your years on Userpedia, who is your bestest friend?" Mason crossed his fingers.
"Well," SMB said after a moment of consideration, "I don't think I can pin down one- all of my friends here at Userpedia are awesome."
Mason hissed. Tabuu smirked, and held out his hand. The Magikoopa dug out his wallet and gave Tabuu about twenty-five U.S. dollars, which, when Userpedia’s economy is considered, becomes almost three thousand in Userpedia currency.
Tabuu was very pleased with himself. The satisfied smirk didn’t leave Tabuu’s face as he asked his question: "SMB," he said, "How has your job as Steward been? Have you been...stressed, considering all your roles in the community?"
"Well at times," SMB replied, "Things do get kind of busy...but with the wonderful staff teams I work with in each project I lead, everything ends up working out." The Steward gave a grin.
"That's great to hear." Tabuu said earnestly. "I apologize if I'm acting...strange. I had a little..." Tabuu gave an excited shudder, "Experience earlier."
"I see..." SMB’s eyes widened and he gently pushed his chair back, "Well, I hope everything works out."
The former Bureaucrat cackled. "I’ve never been better!"
"Yeah," Mason interjected, "Tabuu is a freak!" He sneezed and his skin turned green, "AND HE TOOK ALL MY CASH!" He sneezed again and returned to normal.
"So SMB..." Mason said, "Um, sir. I have a question!"
"How do you manage to do all the jobs assigned to you and still have fun?"
SMB shrugged. "Magic." he said.
"But on a serious note," the Steward continued, "Time management and following a schedule for these sorts of things really helps."
Tabuu tried to stifle his laughter, but failed miserably. "Hah...schedules..."
Mason got onto the floor in front of Tabuu. He grabbed his co-hosts knees and stared up at him. Suddenly, he shouted: "ALL TWO OF THE MANY TIMES WE'VE DONE THIS... YOU ALWAYS DO SOMETHING AWESOME AND SAVE THE INTERVIEW! THAT’S WHY YOU KNOCKED ME OUT LAST TIME AND CREATED..." Mason turned green once more, "WASON!"
Tabuu stared down at his partner. His eyes were widened (because of how close Wason happened to be to crushing his testicles) and he took a moment to think of a way to get the sickly-looking Koopa off of his lap without severely injuring him.
Fuck that, Tabuu thought, My nuts are more important. He grabbed his glass of water off of the table beside his chair and slammed it into Wason’s skull, shattering the glass and knocking the talkshow host unconscious. Mason’s body returned to normal, and his blood started to ooze all over the floor.
SMB looked horrified. He quickly got out of his chair.
"Alright," Tabuu said, standing up and rubbing his hands on his robes, "SMB, you know how to properly dispose of a body, right?"
Userpedia’s Steward stumbled backward.
"Should I still be airing this?" Toadbert called.
Tabuu looked into the camera lens.
"No," the reaper said, "Probably not."
The broadcast ended.