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Late Night with Tabuu and Mason/S01E02
"It looks like our viewers came through," Tabuu said, "We received enough funding for them to rebuild the studio."
The two talk show hosts were walking down the sidewalk of New Wikisburg. It was sunset, and it was almost time for them to begin recording. They were about a block away from their studio, and, oddly enough, nobody else seemed to be walking the streets of Wikisburg.
"I walk a lonely road, the only road that I have ever know-"
"Stop ruining that song, Tabuu."
"You're killing my creativity. What should the episode's theme be, anyways? I got nothin'."
"Well... wasn't school canceled a few Mondays ago for that one holiday dedicated to the first time Abraham Lincoln sneezed?"
"Abe was an honest man. He also apparently hunted vampires."
"So was he allergic to garlic?"
"At the end, he became a vampire himself, so... I guess."
"Spoilers?" Mason frowned.
"Fuck you, I do what I want."
The hosts rounded a corner, and they were finally approaching the shows studio.
"We better get inside quick," Tabuu said, "Or we may get attacked by Stalchildren."
The two hosts finally arrived, and, with no further ado, they entered the studio.
Tabuu teleported into his seat, and Mason poof'd into his while screaming "ABRAKATOUCAN!"
"Is that a real spell?" Tabuu asked.
"Well it worked, didn't it? Besides," Mason said proudly, "Only three of my internal organs are out of place!"
"Uh, that's great?" Tabuu gave a dramatic pause and stared at the camera. "Welcome," he said, "To Late Night with Tabuu and Mason. Tonight, we're here to talk about events in the community. Mason will then give a rant, and then we'll discuss GalacticPetey's , and Mr bones's comic, Trolls Island. We're also interviewing Scarecrow- yay for that."
There was little applause from the audience. At least, the hosts noted, there was an audience this time.
"Well, I don't know about any events per say, but have you noticed all the attention Smasher's been getting lately on MarioWiki's Mindless Junk board?" Mason asked, glancing at his cohost.
"Totally," Tabuu lied, "But why don't you talk about it?"
"Well, a lot of users have been ‘finding pictures' of Smasher. After I saw 2257's thread an Lily's... attempt, I decided to give it a go myself." Mason began, "And now pictures are surfacing all over the place!"
"I would imagine that this has elevated Smasher to superstar status. How is he handling the life?"
"I think he's handling it just fine..." Mason said while staring into the distance.
Tabuu nodded. "And now Mason," he said, "With 'You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?'"
"Thanks Tabuu. You know what really grinds my gears? Users who come into forum games just to announce they aren't playing them. I mean, really. Would you go to a random playground, find some little kids playing 'Hide and Go Seek' and tell them 'I'M NOT PLAYING WITH YOU!'?"
Mason gave a sigh.
"And another thing," he said, "What's with users who go into forum games and try to minimod them? Unless the game is being disrupted, the only ones who should be calling the shots are the game creator or a forum moderator. You guys are nosier than a Nosepass!"
"Seriously. GROW UP. ALL OF YOU. No one's behind you on the computer, pointing a gun at your head and forcing you to reply to threads!" Mason hissed.
"If they are," Tabuu interjected, "Let them shoot you anyway."
"But seriously," Mason growled, "if a game thread doesn't look like any fun to you, stay out!" Mason dabbed his forehead with a handkerchief. He was visibly upset. Tabuu then handed him a small note, which Mason read after wiping his forehead again and straightening his glasses.
"What's this?" the magikoopa gave a closer look, "Hmm, it looks like Peter Griffin wants to challenge me to a duel 'using swordfish instead of swords' because I stole the whole 'grinds my gears' bit. I suppose this concludes our very first - and very last - 'You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?'!"
"Now that that's over," Tabuu said, "I think it's time for today's fiction review. I once said that I'd kill myself before I read this. In all the honesty, the only reason I read it was because I was high on Vicodin." Tabuu grabbed his generic smartphone and opened a webpage. "What I'm reviewing today," he said, "Is GalacticPetey's ‘Mastermind Troll vs. Everyone'."
Mason started choking on his own spit.
"Now," Tabuu zoomed in on something on his screen, "The story starts off with bright enough prospects. White hot plasma in Mason's face- who can't appreciate that?"
"...Next." Mason said, looking at the floor.
"It's at this point that the story turns into the author's violent murder fantasies. Don't get me wrong- I'm all for blood and gore and twisted shit, but this is just...pointless. We aren't given any background, and, unfortunately, this was actually written moderately well. The content, however, is sickening. We're given a rather explicit description of Mase being impaled by molten glass, of his organs and shit being ripped out...I'm sorry, but there's a point when the violence stops being terrible to behold and just starts to get gratuitous and overly gruesome. And the worst part? This is happening for no particular reason. We aren't given background on what led to Mason's brutal murder from the Mastermind Troll- we're just treated to what I call violence porn. If people getting mutilated and murdered gets you going, this is definitely your fic, you sick fuck"
Tabuu gave a scowl. "I have a vivid-ass imagination, so this kind of shit crosses the line for me. This would be tolerable if there was a form of plot, or character development, or anything resembling the foundation of a good story. There isn't. I'm not going to tell you what happens in the rest of the fic in the detail I gave here. If you want to know that, you can read it. GP prided this story on having ‘senseless violence'. But, you know, that's never a good thing. Things aren't as bad in the second chapter where the power of teamwork (and, of course, our dear author appears, is barely harmed, and deals the finishing blow) magically befalls a villain that destroyed a fucking mountain with zero effort, but I found it extremely difficult to care about the fates of the characters within. I was sickened by the violence and the level of detail put into it, and honestly, I think the author needs mental help.
"I rate this fic a fucking zero. That's not an average. The only thing I can praise the author for is writing in a style that was mostly correct- but even that was bought down by just how twisted this story was. I originally went through this and thought I'd have a good time pointing out all the hilarious innuendos- but when I realized that the author was taking this story seriously and he wasn't doing this intentionally, all the humor of it just drained. This is one of the worst fictions I've ever read on Userpedia."
"Wow Tabuu... that was... interesting," Mason said, "but now it's time for tonight's comic review."
"I shall be doing the first two parts of the prologue of Trolls Island. Trolls Island is a longtime Userpedia favorite created by the beloved Mr bones." Mason said.
"Our story begins with Bones in his castle, saying he's bored because he has no victims and no evil plans."
"Bones hears a crashing sound, and leaves his castle under the care of his unseen sister." Mason cleared his throat and took a sip of his water. Even Mason needed a break from speaking once in a while.
"A user appears, makes a joke, and leaves a note for Bones." Mason stood up and his face was morphed in contemplation.
"And in the next issue," he says, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, "EVERYTHING BECOMES A HORRIBLE FONT I CAN BARELY READ but apparently, nobody else had that complaint." Mason finished his statement with an unnerving level of tranquility, smiled, and sat back down.
"Bones finds the letter," Mason continued, "Which says he needs to find a wand in the Hack Sea to rule the world. He then discusses with Booletta, who I suppose is his sister, his plans to set sail."
The hack sea? I wonder if this is their main export...
"And now it's time for me to rate the comic. I don't want to rate you on visuals just yet because it seems to early in the comic to critique the sprite clashing, so take that as an N/A." Mason waved a hand. "Readability, ignoring the weird font, is going to have to be a 10/10. I could be mean and deduct points for the font in part two, but..." Mason trailed off as if he had a good reason.
"For the third section, counting the visuals I didn't rate, I'll give the storyline a score of-" Mason began.
"Hey," Tabuu interrupted, "This is where you rated the last comic's humor!"
"Well," said Mason, "I've decided that I'll leave the third score to humor, storyline or action, depending on the comic. This comic does have humor, but it's an epic, so I'm going to rate it on its story. And for that, I'll give it a nine outta ten."
"And finally, my own interest, eight outta ten. It took me a while to convince myself to take a look at this comic but once I did, I was happy. As our viewers might seem to notice, I'll be rating comics overall with school marks instead of numerical values." Mason explained.
"That said, I give Troll's Island parts 1 and 2 an A!" He said.
"I don't get it. There was one part that absolutely set you off, and now you're acting all peaceful. Have you been taking my Vicodin, man?" Tabuu gave a suspicious look to the Magikoopa.
"Of course not." Mason said. He leaned back into his chair and gave a relaxed sigh.
"No time for that." Tabuu looked backstage. "Scarecrow," he called, "Time for your interview!"
The oddly-colored Yoshi entered the room and sat in the guest chair.
"So, Scarecrow..." Tabuu says, looking visibly nervous, "It's been a long time, hasn't it?"
"Yep," Scarecrow responded, "It has."
The world's most awkward silence set in. Mason didn't say a word- he simply shut his eyes and relaxed in his chair.
"Like me," Tabuu said, tapping his foot on the floor in a chaotic rhythm, "You've done plenty of work in collaboration with others. Road to Endgame, for instance. Did this series ever get...stressful to take part in?"
"Nah," his old mentor said, "Not really. Mostly I had difficulty making people do the stuff they said they'd do. I don't blame them- I'm not that good with deadlines, either."
"Have you considered investing in a taser?" Mason interjected, sounding half-asleep.
"I have a collection at home." the guest responded.
Tabuu coughed. "As everybody in the community knows," he said, "I am utterly fanboy about Coded Logs and Key to the Wiki. How do you feel when you receive positive feedback from our users, and how did you handle negative criticism when you received it?" The awkwardness was starting to weigh less upon him. Tabuu leaned forward, paying much more direct attention to the former Userpedian Steward.
"Positive feedback is always amazing," Steuben said, "Userpedia was the first place I'd ever released fiction on the internet and I'd expected to get torn apart. I was really overjoyed when Key to the Wiki and Coded Logs got the response they did." Scarecrow gave a light smile and his eyes glazed in nostalgia. "In retrospect," he said, "I'm not amazingly fond of Coded Logs, but I remember where I was coming from when I was writing it. Wanted to be like Joss Whedon and write stories with mood whiplash. I'm glad it inspired people, though."
"Like me." the scythe-wielding co-host said.
Mason opened his eyes and they scanned the room.
"I've always had a hard take taking criticism," Scarecrow admitted, "Childish of me, I know- but I believe that the criticism I received was well-deserved."
"In fact," Mason said, finally awake, "I thought your stories were so good, that I have absolutely no need to make any comments about them!" He looked around nervously. "I don't need to prove I read them, do I?"
"Don't worry about it, Mason," Scarecrow rolled his eyes, "They're not exactly great works of art. They were a lot of fun to make at the time and they had a positive effect on Userpedia, so I'm glad I wrote 'em but I'm not sure I'll be trying to get them published anytime soon. They were kind of, erm, pretentious, to say the least. But I must say I'm glad of the effects they had. I wasn't anticipating anyone being inspired to write stories of their own by them."
Tabuu gave a smile, but it was gone not a microsecond afterwards. "While we're on camera," he said, "I want to let all the people who write UP fiction that there's no way in Hell you're getting your UP fictions published. If you believe that's possible, you're delusional."
"New bestselling novel!" Scarecrow announced, "Luigifan873487 and NintendoBestFan55 Versus the Mastermind Troll! It's gotten rave reviews!"
"I'd have to be on a rave to even consider reading it." Tabuu scowled.
"I do think that Userpedia is a really good stepping-stone to getting published," Scarecrow said, "It's practice, at least. And, hey- you get good feedback."
"Anyways," Tabuu said, "Do you any advice for the newer folks on Userpedia?
"Hmm..." Scarecrow seemed deep in thought, "Advice?"
"Hey," Mason said, finally seeing an opportunity to take part in the interview, "Why give advice to new users when you can brainwash them?"
"You're right," Scarecrow said, "My advice is brainwashing. Lots of it. On everyone you don't like. Always."
"Befitting for the guy named after a Batman villain." Tabuu said.
"Well, I also named myself after a guy from the Revolutionary War."
"Scarecrow and Baron Von Steuben, right?
Mason began to sing. "If you only had a brain~"
"Shut up, Mase." Tabuu snapped.
Mason smirked. "I have a question!" he said, "A question that has bewildered the ages: Assuming starfish have souls, do two souls manifest when a starfish splits into two?"
"Maybe..." Scarecrow began, "All starfish share one soul. And they used to be one big starfish. But then it got cut in half. And those halves got cut in half. And it's really an army of starfish. And if they had legs and teeth, they would kill us all. That's a scientific fact." Scarecrow nodded solemnly. "There's no evidence of it," he added, "But it's a scientific fact."
"Or," Mason said, "They'd befriend sponges and annoy octopi..."
"If starfish were actually like that," Tabuu said, "I have the feeling they'd be...pretty stupid. A consciousness that shattered can't possibly be organized."
"Thank goodness for that." Scarecrow gave a sigh of relief, "If they were organized, we'd be doomed."
"Cowbeb, I still don't know who my Dad is..." Tabuu looked over at Scarecrow. Their eyes met in a moment of familial love, and Tabuu knew what he needed to say. "Are you my Dad, Scarecrow?"
"Guess Tabuu took it literally when SvS beat him in chess and said ‘Who's your daddy?'" Mason snickered.
"No," Scarecrow said, "Mason is your father. I know this because he told me when he was drunk."
"Hey," Mason shouted, "I say a lot of things when I'm drunk-" "You motherFUCKER!" Tabuu shouted, slamming his fist into Mason's face and knocking him to the floor.
"Hey, Tabuu?" Scarecrow said.
"I lied. Mason's not your father."
Scarecrow disappeared in a flurry of black feathers.
"Oh no..." Tabuu crouched down beside his fallen friend's body, "Damn you, Scarecrow...Mason, are you okay? Mase? Mase!? MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEE!"