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Late Night with Tabuu and Mason/S01E01
It was Valentine's Day, and love was in the air.
The audience was empty.
That's the first thing the two hosts noticed.
Yeah, there was an underpaid cameraman recording everything they did, but it was still kind of disheartening to see that nobody had come for their awesome debut.
The floor was very unstable, and every time either of the young hosts walked across it they had valid concerns that the damn thing would just collapse and they'd die a terrible, terrible death.
Perhaps it was a bad idea to buy out a condemned building.
Mason sat in his red chair and Tabuu collapsed into his golden.
There was a moment of awkward silence, but then the hosts sprung into action.
"Hello," Mason said, "And welcome."
"To Late Night!" Tabuu cut in, leaning forward.
"Tonight," Tabuu said, "We're here to discuss Valentine's Day, also called Singles Awareness Day; RUAI's story, Vengeance; and a certain section of NSM's comic, Stupid and Random Parodies. In addition, we'll have SonicMario joining us later tonight."
"And he'll remark on how sucky our studio is!"
"This is his studio, Mason. Unspeakable things happened to it after User Soup ended, and we've just barely gotten it back in shape."
"Okay, enough backstory..."
"Hey, bitches love backstory. Now, here's the news report for Valentine's Day!"
The lights on the stage dimmed, and the unaforementioned green screen turned on.
"Valentine's Day," Mason began, "is commonly known as 'the day where single people feel unwanted and where opposite-sex friendships become awkward.'"
"And on the MarioWiki," Tabuu says in an irritated tone, "It also means that anybody and everybody will be shipped."
"Shipping," Mason explained, waving his arms to seem intelligent, "has its stems from Internet fanfiction websites, where people used to 'ship' their favorite characters in relationships with each other."
"Don't forget the teenage girls shipping themselves with gay vampires."
"Yeah, yeah. Of course. Eventually, the rules of shipping somehow wandered their way into the MarioWiki board's Mindless Junk subforum-"
"And Jesus Christ," Tabuu interrupted, putting his head in his hands, "It's a fucking abomination."
Mason paused. Tabuu remained in his position, but let one of his arms free to make a motion indicating for Mason to continue.
"Anyway," Mason growled, "Today, we’d like to talk about the highlights of the pairings. For Portal fans, we’ve got Nabber X GLaDOS-"
"I'd hit it."
Mason stopped, and glared at Tabuu. "For Homestuck fans, we have BMB X Vriska-"
Mason bit his bottom lip and squeezed his eyelids shut. "In addition, there were many declarations of ‘OTP’s. OTP stands for One True Pairing, and it turns out there's quite a bit of competition for the spot on the MarioWiki boards."
"No competition for us, Mase."
Mason ignored his co-host's comment. "The contenders for One True Pairing at the time of recording are Tabuu x grapes,"
Tabuu pumped his fist.
"Bonsula X Lily,"
"Oh God." Tabuu sounded horrified.
"Blocky X Dippy," Mason continued.
"Smiley X Pancakes,"
"She loves those more than me!"
"And last, but not least, Nabber X GLaDOS!"
"We already went over that one!" Tabuu straightened up and leaned back into his chair.
"So, Tabuu, who do you think the real One True Pairing is?"
"Well, I think-"
Tabuu didn't look amused. "Well played, Mason. Well played."
"Anyways," Tabuu said, "It’s time to move on to my section. Text fiction reviews. Today, I’m reviewing Vengeance, a rather underrated story that also happens to be the best fucking thing you’ll ever read."
Mason leaned back in his chair and watched his co-host in partial interest. Maybe he was actually interested- maybe he was thinking about toucans. Hey, I’m just the narrator.
"Vengeance opens with MrConcreteDonkey waking up in the middle of the night, being told to investigate a crashed Doomship. More specifically, Doomship 2- now, while that’s RUAI’s old name, it’s actually something he uses for transportation. It’s a literal Doomship- you know, the things from Super Mario Bros. 3. Anyways, the story starts off strong with some good description and an interesting plot. There are some mistakes, but they don’t bring the story down one bit."
Tabuu took a break. He conjured up a can of Mountain Dew (Buy Now!) and chuggered it down before continuing.
"Anyways," he continued, "The spotlight shifts to RUAI’s perspective in Chapter One. At this point, there’s no way to determine the character’s motivations, but in a well-written fight scene, RUAI beats SonicMario to death- literally!- and just does that Smooth Criminal shit- washing the blood off of his hammer in the river."
"What happens next!?" Mason leans forward, sounding abnormally excited. He still seems to be looking somewhere in the distance, though. Is it toucans? Look, I’m the narrator, and it’s hard to write out people like him. He’s insane, okay? I don’t get him.
"Well, uh..." Tabuu looks back over to Mason, "Phoenix Rider guns down RUAI and captures him, taking him to prison. In addition, my boyfriend, who happened to be standing in a tree at the time-"
"-boyfriend or the guy you stalk?"
"Shut up, Mase. Anyways, Alex calls me, tells me what he witnessed, and leaves. Apparently, I’m a member of a badass mercenary group that Alex was once a part of, and I tell him that he’s welcome to return, any time. I’m actually surprisingly in-character here."
Tabuu took a sip from a bottle of Mountain Dew, aah-ed, and continued. "Chapter two opens with, among other things- RUAI waking up in a cell, meeting Scorpion (seems to be a Corruption crossover here), and begins to be interviewed by MCD, a former friend of his. The whole thing has MCD being all detective-ey, and then RUAI talks about how his life went to shit, his hammer came in the mail, and he just started busting people the fuck up. Oh, shit...HIS HAMMER IS EVIL!"
"That’s all that RUAI’s released. On my scale, I rate the plot a 9/10, the writing mechanics an 8, the presentation/execution a 10, the description a 9, and an overall score of 9.5 out of ten. This isn’t an actual average, because I can’t do Math. But seriously, you should read this."
"And now it's time for a comic review, with your lovely host..." Mason looked around the room and Tabuu shook his head, looking disappointed.
"...What? We couldn't get her!? Fine, I guess it's up to me. So, let's see what we've got here..."
Mason pulled out a withered top hat from under his seat, thrust his arm into it and pulled out a piece of paper. He adjusted his glasses and read the title.
"Stupid and Random Parodies! Nice title NSM, it looks like we know what we're in for. I think I’ll just read the first two issues of the first section today."
"Stop the fucking presses!"
"Trumpet of Time starts off with a... very tiny NSM and BaseballYoshi24. Oh wait, they're not tiny; the background is just twice as big."
Tabuu put his head down. "That makes me feel inadequate."
"Then we see BY24 saying ‘catch,’ and the next panel shows NSM with a green baseball bat stuck in his forehead. Actually, based on the dialogue and trail of baseball bats, I think it’s safe to assume BY24 is throwing the bat ‘to’ NSM."
"This just in- BY24 has just been arrested for assault and battery."
"Naturally, this knocks NSM out cold. I feel for you buddy, my sister likes to throw bowling balls at my skull." Mason rubbed his head.
"Next we cut to NSM as a baby in some kind of yuckily-colored forest, being greeted by the lovechild of Navi and Smasher-"
"-okay, I guess it's just supposed to be Smasher. In Issue 2, ‘Snavi’ makes some kind of explanation about Kokiris and where NSM is. And after being told, NSM asks where he is."
"Dude, you’re reading the panels in the wrong order."
"Oh. Well his speech bubble is second and there are no numbers to guide me. After that, we get a background with a nicer color scheme and... a Pokémon?"
"Fuck if I know. Keep going."
"And then the great Deku Tree makes an explanation and dies."
"And now it's time for the Mason Sprite Comic Review Scale that I just now made up!" Mason said cheerfully as he proudly straightened his cape tie.
Mason began to talk. "I give the story an eight out of then. It was an interesting idea- being knocked out and sent to a Zelda Parody and all. Seemed a little forced though. Why did your brother expect you to catch a baseball bat?"
"For visuals, I give you a five out of ten. NEVER RESIZE SPRITES. NEVER. RESIZE. SPRITES. EVER. Except sometimes. But I think stretching the grassland backgrounds twice as big was a bit lazy. The other graphics were nice... nothing out of the ordinary." Mason paused for a moment, stretching before he continued, "Readability is four out of ten. If your speech bubbles aren't numbered, the order the speech bubbles should be read should be the same direction the frames are read. Your frames are read left to right, so your speech bubbles should be read that way as well. Common sense, man!"
Tabuu started drinking more Mountain Dew for Ad Revenue.
"Your humor," Mason continued, "Gets an eight outta ten. Nothing made me burst out laughing but it made me smile. And I'm only two issues in! Finally, my interest boils down to ten outta ten- I’m a sucker for sprite comics, and I want to see what happens next. Over all, I give it a B. Keep it up!"
"Okay, guys...now for the last part of the episode. Right now, we’re at too low of a budget to make any skits- maybe if you give us enough feedback, we’ll get some funding for them. For now, we’re closing off with an interview." Tabuu gestured for the guest to come out from behind the curtains. "Come on in, SonicMario."
"I would say that this brings back memories," SM said, "But this place looks like garbage now."
"I told you he’d do that, Tabuu." Mason said.
"Shut up, Mason."
SonicMario sat down and looked at his interviewers.
"Tell me," Tabuu said, "What was working on User Soup like?"
"Well," SonicMario said, "It was a lot of fun. It was relatively simple to make, but I found it to still be entertaining with the right amount of pictures, which were fun to make themselves."
"It did get stressful having to make an episode weekly for nine weeks every season, but for the most part, I don’t regret the work I put into it."
"That’s good to hear."
"What do you think of the show you’re on right now?" Tabuu asked, looking visibly worried, "Do you think this is a rip off of your work? Do you think it’s something else?"
Mason stretched and started to twiddle his thumbs in an attempt to look casual.
"I don’t consider it a ripoff at all," SonicMario said, "Using text with pictures isn’t really all that an original an idea when you think about it. It just wasn’t used very much on Userpedia. I hardly think it’s a ripoff- especially if you do something different with the concept than I did."
The hosts simultaneously sighed in relief.
Mason jumped into the interview. "SonicMario!" he said, "If you could describe yourself as one type of vegatable... why are all of my potato chips gone!?" He threw the bag that nobody noticed him holding to the floor, and stormed out of the room.
SonicMario looked confused. "...What? Tabuu, what’s up with Mason today?"
"Well," Tabuu responded, "Mason’s kind of, uh-"
Mason barged into the room.
"A COMPLETELY NORMAL GUY!" Tabuu shouted.
"DID YOU FREAKING FORGET TO HAVE THE VENDING MACHINES REFILLED!?" Mason roared.
Tabuu facepalmed. "We’re on a low budget, man- the only reason I have all of this Mountain Dew is because they’re paying me to advertise it for them."
SonicMario raised an eyebrow. "Right."
"Ooooh," Mason said, "Can I go again? Tabuu went twice!"
"I hope you don’t mean the bathroom." SonicMario cut in.
"Of course not!" Mason looked slightly disgusted. "What I want to ask is how you think our show will do in terms of viewers."
"Well," SonicMario shrugged, "I can’t say. I imagine it’ll do pretty well, considering that you’re both veterans who’ve made good things for Userpedia before. I don’t think of anything that could make it bad."
"Yeah," Mason said, scratching his neck with his own foot, "What would possibly go wrong?"
"So," Mason asked, "Tell us. Did you get any hordes of screaming fangirls? Don’t be modest. And if so, what do you think the fangirl to toucan ratio would be? I’d love me a mob of fantoucans..."
"Well," SonicMario said, sounding slightly disappointed, "No fangirls. When I turned into a girl that one time, though, I had screaming fanboys."
Mason slinked back into his chair while Tabuu shifted uncomfortably in his.
"SonicMario," Tabuu asked, "What do you think of the current state of the community? Do you have high hopes for the next generation?"
"I’m afraid I haven’t been watching much," the hedgehog responded, "So I don’t know for sure. UP’s a lot more active than it used to be, though. It’s just a little ways from being great. But, I must be honest - I haven’t kept up with it too much, since I’ve been on the MarioWiki Forums more."
"The MarioWiki Forums!?" Mason asked, incredulous, "Do you wear any protective clothing?"
"What do you mean?" SonicMario asked.
Tabuu cut in. "I used to be a critic on the MW Forums until I took an arrow to the-"
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" Tabuu screamed, "WE DON’T EVEN HAVE ANYBODY IN THE AUDIENCE AND THEY FUCKING SHOT ME!"
"That’s what happens when you use worn-out Skyrim jokes." Mason sighed.
"You okay, Tabuu?" SonicMario asked, "Should I call an ambulance?"
Tabuu shook his head. He shut his eyes, grabbed the arrow, and yanked it out of his knee, hissing and muttering a colorful variety of obscenities that won’t be repeated here.
"Don’t worry," Tabuu growled, "I got that accelerated healing shit going on. I’m harder to kill than Wolverine with a Starman."
"Aw," Mason complained, "I didn’t get to test my white magic!" Tabuu rolled his eyes. "As for lack of protective clothing," Mason continued, "Suit yourself, SonicMario. Just don’t come crying to me when you catch a disease in the streets of Mindless Junk..." Mason sneezed, slamming into the back of his chair.
"After we finish recording," Tabuu said, "I’m taking you to a fucking hospital. No arguments. That white magic you tried on yourself only made it worse."
"A WHAT hospital?" Mason smirked, "Sounds kinky. Anyways SM, I got one more question for you. When you first started User Soup, did you expect it to become as popular as it did?"
"No," SM responded, "It was just a fun little project where I put a comedic view on the weekly life of the UP community. With skits and reviews, of course."
"One last question before you go," Tabuu said, "You know how it’s Valentine’s at the time of recording, right?"
"Is that your question?"
"No, my question is this...SonicMario, do you love me?"
"Uh...it depends on what kind of love, Tabuu." SonicMario scooted his chair backwards, looking incredibly creeped out.
"There’s many kinds of love," Mason said, "Between a man and a toucan, between family members...the list goes on and on."
"I’m sorry, Tabuu," SonicMario said, "I don’t swing that way."
"YEAH!?" Tabuu shouted, "GET OUT OF MY STUDIO!"
SonicMario jumped out of his chair and started to run off.
"Watch out for the trap door, SM!" Mason called after him, "It’s on the last tile before the exit!"
"Think he made it?" Tabuu asked.
"Well, I don’t hear a hedgehog’s death scream, so I guess so. How do you think our first show went, given our low budget?"
There was a crash as the entire building collapsed on the two hosts. Miraculously, the camera and the cameraman were left unharmed.
Tabuu pulled himself out of the rubble, and looked towards the sky.
Toucans were descending upon the destroyed building. A swarm of them- over nine thousand. They lifted rubble away and picked up Mason’s lifeless body. They lifted him into the air, and his body formed a cross shape in front of the moon. All the toucans flew towards him at the same time, and disappeared in a puff of feathers.
Mason the Magikoopa landed back on his feet, completely revived. "My question, Tabuu? How do you think we did with our low budget?"
Tabuu is the writing guy, and Mason does all the images. Tabuu writes every section except for Mason's reviews, and Mason goes through everything Tabuu writes to make it better. This is the product of their hard work. Want to see more? Tell them. Check them out on the Forums, or leave reviews on the talk pages. Tabuu writes Disconnected articles and Typical Tragedy, and Mason is the man behind The Three Mushketeers and Anton the 5th Mushketeer.