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CLUE: The Scottish Mario Play/Act I Scene 6-7

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Scene 6

[Outside Invernegg Castle. Hautboys and trumpets play. Enter DUNCZILLA, MCDALCOLM, DONALBLUE, BANQUOSHI, ROSS SHELL, FRENNOX, VOMMACKDUFF, and attendants.]

VOMMACKDUFF:
And hang a right on High Street, and you’ll be at your destination. Next time you need directions out of the woods, just call.

MCDALCOLM:
Well done! My complete trust in you was completely validated!

BANQUOSHI:
Well, here we are, Invernegg Castle. An imposing manor in a quiet neighborhood, it has polished wood flooring, a fully-stocked grape juice cellar, plus five bathrooms so we don’t have to share. Fun place to camp out.

FRENNOX:
It’s only a model.

BANQUOSHI:
Shush.

DONALBLUE:
There’s a gaping hole in the south wall. Won’t that create a nasty draft with all this cold northern wind?

BANQUOSHI:
Do you guys have to poke holes in every idea I have? Never mind the gaping hole! I get along perfectly fine with the gaping hole at my castle, you can too! Look, the birds seem to like it.

[A robin lands in a nest near the hole. A strong icy gust blows, knocking the robin out of the nest. It falls to the ground with a clank, frozen.]

MCDALCOLM:
Are you sure we were invited? MacJav stormed off without giving a definitive answer.

BANQUOSHI:
He’s the one who sent me the invitation. You know the party animal, I don’t think he would cancel sleepover plans so abruptly, especially on an appropriate night to celebrate.

MCDALCOLM:
Well, I have my complete trust in you. And I don’t say that often.

[BANQUOSHI knocks on the door]

BANQUOSHI:
Knock-knock!

[Enter LADY MACJAV]

LADY MACJAV:
Who’s there?

BANQUOSHI:
[Presents plate of cookies] Snickerdoodles! The party’s arrived, per your invitation.

LADY MACJAV:
[Aside] I didn’t send any– screw it, it’ll be over faster if I just roll with it.
Hi, welcome to Inverness, where honor runs deep and guests leave holes in the wall when they can’t find the outhouse.

DUNCZILLA:
Rawr.

LADY MACJAV:
I don’t care if it was your fault or not, it still happened. Well, everyone make yourselves at not-home. I’ll be in my room scrapbooking pictures from my totally-cooler-than-this snowboarding trip last week.

MCDALCOLM:
Speaking of, where is your husband? We hoped to arrive before him, but he rides swiftly.

FRENNOX:
Also we got lost in Bullet Birnham Wood for hours, so we picked up this hitchhiker guy who gave us directions.

VOMMACKDUFF:
I’m not a hitchhiker!

LADY MACJAV:
Oh, MacJav is in his room, soliloquizing again. He’s a Shakespearian protagonist, it’s part of the job description. Don’t worry, he’ll have to come out to eat eventually. Come on, the guest room is this way. And don’t track any mud in, Freakworld just vacuumed.

DUNCAN:
Rawr.

[Exuent all into the castle.]

Scene 7

[Master Bedroom, Invernegg. Enter MACJAV]

MACJAV:
Should I really risk my safety for something as petty as career advancement? Well, if I am going to do it at all I must do it quickly. The king is only staying one night, and when he gets back to Dunsinane he will have thousands of guards at his beck and call. All I have to do is kill him within this narrow window of opportunity. Ugh, but if it were just that simple I would have done it already. For one thing, there will be consequences if I or my wife is caught, and punishment is not typically painless. He is here under my trust; my job is to protect the king from harm, not bear the knife myself! Even if I do not kill him personally, I shall still get all the blame. Not that anyone would complain, Dunczilla is a horrible head of state. He cannot talk like a normal person, he cannot lead in battle, plus he authorized that NSA surveillance system that has gotten a lot of flak and I have gone off topic, have I not. Point being, when he dies I doubt there would be much fanfare. But still, does terrible leadership vindicate murder? He is one of my closest friends. And even if he was not, he is still a 25-foot tall lizard who can breathe radioactive heat rays, and I am merely a Lakitu with a cloud and a sharp stick. That is good enough for Norway, but this? This is insanity! But then again, insanity is a good trait in politics.

[Enter LADY MACJAV and FREAKWORLD, the latter carrying a snickerdoodle on a dish.]

Who goes there?

LADY MACJAV:
Just the butler and I. Banquoshi brought cookies,

[FREAKWORLD hands the snickerdoodle to MACJAV. Exit FREAKWORLD]

MACJAV:
Ugh, cinnamon. What news do you bear?

LADY MACJAV:
Hold on, be silent for a moment. [Beat] Do you hear that?

MACJAV:
Hear what?

LADY MACJAV:
That, that noise right there. It’s the most beautiful sound in the world. Shh.

MACJAV:
What sound? I cannot hear anything.

LADY MACJAV:
Exactly. It’s called “silence”. Have you heard of it? It’s a wonder you can stay hidden on the battlefield with all that yapping. To answer your question, the guests have almost supped. What’s taking you so long?

MACJAV:
Did they call for me?

LADY MACJAV:
You’re hosting, you’re kind of supposed to be there either way.

MACJAV:
DragonFreak, we cannot go through with this. Tonight is simply not a good night for murder. The king has honored me lately, and all these people trust me. I do not want to do anything I will regret later. I need more time!

LADY MACJAV:
Time we don’t have? What, were you drunk on hope before? If you want the crown so badly, just grab it and run. Just flick off the switch on your conscience tonight, and revel in your dream’s reality tomorrow. Or would you rather have the crown pass right by when you were so close to glory? You’re just like the poor Goomba in the fable.

MACJAV:
Do not make this choice any harder than it already is. I am already doing what I– wait, what Goomba?

LADY MACJAV:
What kind of warrior develops a foolproof tactical formation and brilliant plan of attack, and then says on the day of the battle “meh, I don’t want to get my hands dirty today, let’s just forfeit and go home?” No, a true soldier would, well, soldier on! When you dared to do it, that’s when you were a real warrior! So what are you know, you coward? If I vowed to march into a library in the middle of a magical warzone, check out a hateful pastry cookbook, and bake a rage cake with it, you’d bet your tail I would find a way!

MACJAV:
But if we fail, then–

LADY MACJAV:
We, fail? Just stick to the plan, and we can’t fail! Our servants, Freakworld and Lolcrawler, will be guarding the king’s chambers tonight. The latter’s a drunk and the former can’t resist peer pressure. By midnight I would bet they’d be so inebriated they won’t remember their names. With them out of the way, what can’t we do to Dunczilla? Whatever we do, the guards will get all the blame!

MACJAV:
But will the party not still blame us indirectly? They are our servants, after all.

LADY MACJAV:
Naw. We will be “fast asleep” by then. See the airquotes? With the king dead and the ones guarding him playing hooky, who could interpret it any other way? We’ll be grieving with everyone else.

MACJAV:
Fine, if your plan is so ironclad I suppose I must take the chance. Go now to rejoin the guests, and I will join you in a minute or two. Your false face must hide what we know will happen tonight. But so help me, if this backfires, it will mean our necks. [Beat] No, seriously, what Goomba in the fable?

LADY MACJAV:
You know, "The Tale of the Goomba and the Swiss Cheese". The play adaption just came out, it swept the box offices.

MACJAV:
Oh, ok. I have not seen it yet, but I heard it was well-acted. What is it about?

LADY MACJAV:
I won’t spoil anything yet, but I can tell you’ll absolutely love Act 2!

[Exit all.]