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CLUE: The Scottish Mario Play/Act I Scene 3

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[Upon the heath. Thunder. Enter EDOFENRIR and ANTON]

EDOFENRIR:
Where have you been? Why are you late?

ANTON:
I killed some swine for the heck of it. And why are you late, you hypocrite?

EDOFENRIR:
An old sailor's wife was lost in the woods, and asked to use my GPS spell for directions. I obliged, and only requested a sample of her scrumptious chestnuts as payment, but the greedy pig refused to share. Take a guess what I turned her into! I found out her husband is sailing overseas tomorrow. I'm thinking of sailing after him in disguise to cause trouble.

ANTON:
I'll give you a nice breeze, if you do!

EDOFENRIR:
Aw, thanks!

[Enter MASON]

MASON:
And I another!

EDOFENRIR:
Thank you too, Mason. I have control of the other two winds, and I know my way to all the major ports. He shouldn't be hard to find. I'll suck the life out of him, give him nightmares, and curse him with plague for nine times nine weeks. If my chestnuts must be lost, at least I can make the ship tempest-tossed!

ANTON:
Don't you think that's going a bit too far? I mean, the only error his wife made was to deprive you of chestnuts.

EDOFENRIR:
You forget one thing, though. No. One. Ever. Deprives. Edo. Of. Chestnuts.

MASON:
Guys, guys, look what I've found!

ANTON:
A gross, rotten human thumb? What use is that to us?

MASON:
It was from the battle! The pilot who lost it drowned returning homeward! And guess what else I discovered! The Thane of Fireflowdor will be hanged tomorrow, and his title and fortune will be given to Mac–

ANTON:
Hold that thought, Mason. A drum, a drum, MacJav doth come!

[EDOFENRIR hands ANTON a drum. ANTON begins playing a marching beat.]

ALL:
The weird brothers, hand in hand,
Posters of the sea and land,
Thus do go about, about,
Thrice to thine and thrice to mine
And thrice again to make up twenty-seven
Because that's how cube roots work.

[Enter MACJAV and BANQUOSHI.]

MACJAV:
So foul and fair a day I have not seen. At least, not since last Tuesday.

BANQUOSHI:
How far is it until we reach Forshell?

[MACJAV and BANQUOSHI notice the witches]

What in God's name are these? What fashion sense! What lack of hygiene! If I didn't know any better, I'd say they weren't from Earth! Are you sentient? Can you speak English? I think they should be women, but their beards prevent me from believing so.

ANTON:
[Aside] The nerve of this guy! Why, I aughta!

MACJAV:
Banquoshi, do not be rude to strangers.
[To witches] You there, speak, if you can. Who are you?

ANTON:
[To witches] We've all rehearsed the plan right?

EDOFENRIR:
[To Anton] Yup.

MASON:
[To Anton] I guess–

EDOFENRIR:
All hail MacJav! Hail to thee, Thane of Glamushroom!

ANTON:
All hail MacJav! Hail to thee, Thane of Glamushroom!

MASON:
All hail MacJav! Hail to thee, Thane of Fireflowdor!

EDOFENRIR:
[To Mason] Wait, really? He's the new Thane of Fireflowdor?

MASON:
[To Edofenrir] Yup. I was trying to tell you.

ANTON:
[To Mason] Huh. At this rate, they might as well crown hi–

MASON:
Thou shalt be king hereafter!

ANTON:
[To Mason] What do you think you are doing? This wasn't the plan! We were just going to do the old "sleeping apple" prank!

MASON:
[To Anton] Wait, let's see! Maybe this will be funnier! Have some trust!

BANQUOSHI:
Sir, why do you look so startled? Isn't this good news? Well, the source is sketchy, but still, a coronation doesn't sound too bad as a prognostication. [To witches] In the name of truth, are you merely illusions, or do you actually appear as you are? You've told my partner great things will come in his future, so great in fact that he is dumbfounded. "Rapt withal", if you will. Do you have anything to tell me? What is my future like? I'm not afraid of you, so just tell me.

ANTON:
[To Mason]: You see what you've done? Now what do we tell the other guy?

EDOFENRIR:
Um... you will be lesser than MacJav, but...much better?

ANTON:
Not as happy as MacJav, but much... happier?

MASON:
You will beget kings though thou be none!

ANTON:
[To Mason] Shut up about the royalty, already! You've already blown a mental gasket on tweedledum, do you want to chase away tweedledee too?

EDOFENRIR:
So MacJav and the other guy, all hail!

ALL:
All hail!

ANTON:
[Aside] Great, now we can go and leave this mess.

MACJAV:
Stay, you imperfect speakers, tell me more! I know I am Thane of Glamushroom, but how of Fireflowdor? The Thane of Fireflowdor still lives, and I am nowhere near in line to inherit the kingdom!

ANTON:
[Aside] Darn.

MACJAV:
Where did you get this strange intelligence? And why do you tell me now? Speak more, I pray of you!

ANTON:
[Aside] Might as well attempt to salvage the situation. I'll crush the apple and pretend the sauce is a fortune-telling medium or something. [To MacJav] Yes, we formulated all our predications using our magical mystery applesauce! You can try it today and gain your own psychic abilities! But its powers are not for free! If you want to hear more, that will cost you twenty dollars.

MACJAV:
I do not have any cash with me right now, but I can write you a check.

ANTON:
Sorry, we don't accept checks!

[Exit witches]

MACJAV:
Wait, do not go yet! If only I had not left my wallet in the laundry!

BANQUOSHI:
The world houses some weird people. These would be three of them. Where have they gone?

MACJAV:
They vanished into thin air, as if they were never here at all. If only they had stayed!

BANQUOSHI:
Are we just high?

MACJAV:
Your children will be kings.

BANQUOSHI:
You will be king.

MACJAV:
And Thane of Fireflowdor too. Is that not what they said?

BANQUOSHI:
If they really exist, that was their tune and words. Look, who's that?

[Enter ROSS SHELL, FRENNOX, and royal attendants carrying CAPTAIN TABUU]

TABUU:
Ah, the pain! The infirmary's the other way!

ROSS SHELL:
King Dunczilla has happily received your success, MacJav. The stories of your success have already become legendary, and the king wishes your exploits against MushDonwald and the King of Norway be recorded so he may relive the excitement. Postman after postman has only beared growing praise of your defense of Scotland.

FRENNOX:
We would wish to notify you of the great reward the king has bestowed upon you.

ROSS SHELL:
Indeed. The Thane of Fireflowdor had betrayed his country in the war, either by joining the forces himself or by giving hidden help. I'm not sure which. But thanks to your bravery he has been captured and will be put to death tomorrow. And, in earnest of a greater honor, His Radioactiveness has bestowed upon you the title of Fireflowdor!

FRENNOX:
Isn't that great?

BANQUOSHI:
What? Can the devils speak true?

MACJAV:
[Aside] Glamushroom, and now Fireflowdor! The forecast came true! [To Ross Shell] Thank you for your message.

ROSS SHELL:
Any time!

TABUU:
Preferably when they don't have a wounded body in tow!

MACJAV:
[To Banquoshi] Do you not hope your children to be king? The witches said no less would happen.

BANQUOSHI:
[To Macjav] I know, I know. And if you trust them, you'll be king too. Yet this whole occurrence is still strange. Don't witches usually tell us only smaller parts of a large whole? They tell us the honest trifles, but trick us when it hurts the most? Hold up, I've got to speak with my cousins. I'm not sure they should be holding Tabuu like that.

[BANQUOSHI, ROSS SHELL, FRENNOX, and TABUU move stage right.]

MACJAV:
[Aside] Well, two truths told, one to go. I am Thane of both Glamushroom and Fireflowdor, all that is left is the crown. This should be a happy day. But something seems, well, odd. It cannot be right, but it cannot be wrong. If it is so evil, then why did they tell me the truth? I am the thane of Fireflowdor, am I not? If they are to be trusted, though, why is my first reaction one of such bloody horror that my hair stands on end? My present fears do not match what my mind can imagine. Additionally, if they are legitimate business owners why did they put such a high price tag on a cup of applesauce? They would never compete with similar, cheaper products in the market. Have they never heard of the supply-demand curve? That's Business 101. But staying on topic, although the very thought of murder is but a daydream, it shakes me to my core to the point where I can't function. My worst fear is what must not be.

BANQUOSHI:
Hey, buddy? Are you ok? Snap out of it. You look rapt again.

MACJAV:
[Aside] If chance will have me king, chance can crown me without my stir. Come what may, what will happen will happen.

FRENNOX:
Why is he muttering to himself?

BANQUOSHI:
I'm sorry, MacJav isn't used to new titles. They're like new shoes: you have to break them in first.

TABUU:
If titles are shoes, he must be running the marathon. Can you tell him to hurry up? My stomach acid is starting to leak into my intestines.

BANQUOSHI:
MacJav, we wait upon your leisure.

TABUU:
[Aside] Ugh, my pleas fall upon deaf ears once more.

MACJAV:
I apologize, I was, er, distracted by memories from my childhood. Thanks for waiting patiently. Let us go. [To Banquoshi] Remember what happened today, so we can talk about it in perspective.

BANQUOSHI:
[To MacJav] Very gladly.

MACJAV:
[To Banquoshi] Till then, do not bring this up with anyone else. [To all] Come, everyone, let us go.

ROSS SHELL:
Oh, one more thing, MacJav. We are looking for a hospital, so we can drop this poor fellow off. Do you know where one is?

TABUU:
Eff you guys.

[Exuent]