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CLUE: The Scottish Mario Play/Act I Scene 1-2

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Act I Scene 1

[Inside witches' hut. Cue thunder and lightning. Enter the three witches, EDOFENRIR, ANTON and MASON.]

EDOFENRIR:
When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

ANTON:
When the hurly-burly's done, when the battle's lost and won–

MASON:
–I'll get ye, my pretties, and yer little dog too!

EDOFENRIR:
Dammit, Mason. Don't tell me you forgot your fortune-telling day script again?

MASON:
Whoops, wrong kind of witch I guess. I guess we're less a "wicked", and more simply "weird". Wait, while I find the proper script...

ANTON:
Oh, here we go again. Why can't you simply get the script the first time around? Now the meeting's going to take twice as long while you rummage through the dustbin.

MASON:
Anton, why do you always pick on me like that?

ANTON:
Because your consistent bone-headedness wastes time. This is the second time this week we've had to delay our meeting because your stupidity disrupted our flow.

MASON:
It's not my fault the buzzards ate the tiger's chaudron last time!

ANTON:
You should have been protecting it better, idiot. I certainly wasn't in charge of the cupboard. Tiger's chaudron is the most essential ingredient!

MASON:
Why do we even have scripts anyway? It doesn't affect our spell-casting abilities at all, and it's not like we're in a play or anything. It just seems pointless to read that dialogue every time we have to organize our next meeting.

ANTON:
It's a ritual! It doesn't have to make sense! You can't break ritual without repurcussoons! What would Hecazo think of that?

EDOFENRIR:
Hey, hey, break it up you two. Can we just agree to meet again before sunset? Preferably upon the heath?

ANTON:
Whatever.

MASON:
I can agree to that.

ANTON:
Oh, I have an idea! If we're going to the heath, we can meet with MacJav!

EDOFENRIR:
Who?

ANTON:
Gullible Scottish noble from that "lost-and-won" battle. Wouldn't it be fun to punk him and his friends? At the very least, having such a famous noble as a guest would be great publicity for our potion shop.

MASON:
Ooh, count me in!

EDOFENRIR:
I guess. Though the Scottish tend to burn witches these days, so we'll have to be careful.

[EDOFENRIR's cat mews offstage]

I'm coming, Graymalkin. Just let me wrap up here so I can feed you dinner.

MASON:
So if the meeting's adjourned–

ANTON:
–We didn't even complete the introduction! We barely got anything done! How can the scene be over so quickly?

EDOFENRIR:
Because I said so. The heath's miles away, we'll have to hurry if we're going to prank this MacJav character.

ALL:
Fair is foul and foul is fair, hover through the fog and filthy air.

MASON:
Can we please purchase some brooms? It's a pain to have to hover everywhere.

EDOFENRIR:
You know we don't have the budget for brooms, Mason. We spent all our saved cash replacing the tiger's chaudron.

MASON:
Aww.

[Exuent]

Act I Scene II

[Battlefield. Alarms sound. Enter DUNCZILLA, MCDALCOLM, and DONALBLUE, with attendants, meeting bloodied CAPTAIN TABUU]

DUNCZILLA:
Rawr.

DONALDBLUE:
Who is is, exactly? I'm not familiar with the army.

MCDALCOLM:
This is Captain Tabuu, a leader in the Scottish forces, and a friend of mine. He should be able to give us vital information about whether we lost or won. [Shouts] Hey, Tabuu! What's the latest report?

TABUU:
You needn't yell! I'm mere three feet away, I can hear you fine! And I'm bleedin' out my innards, can't you get me to a hospital first?

MCDALCOLM:
[Shouts] Tabuu, you brave friend, tell my father what have you heard about broil as you left it.

TABUU:
I'm going to assume you didn't hear the part 'bout how my guts are spilled out all over the grass, nor saw said guts strewn before you! But fine, I'll waste my dying breaths relaying statistics you should already know, if you insist. The battle was tight, we lost many soldiers but so did the Norwegians. It was like being stuck in an infinite portal loop, neither side able to move lest you risk your grey matter splatter on the walls of the test chamber. The merciless rebel MushDonwald had Lady Luck on his side in the form of calvary from the Western Isles, and the battle wouldv'e been over in a heartbeat if it hadn't been for the skill of Captain MacJav. He chopped and slashed through the opposing army with his smoking blade of bloody execution, until he reached the big man MushDonwald himself. He wasted not a second at butchering the devil, and before MushDonwald knew what happened his head was chopped and displayed as a trophy on the battlements! Watching such a glorious display of swordsmanship was almost worth losing half of your intestines.

DUNCZILLA:
Rawr.

MCDALCOLM:
[Shouts] Yes, go on.

TABUU:
Aye, but the battle did not end there. It must snow in the winter before the calm, flowery spring returns, you know. Just as the Tusken Raiders of Tatooine, the Norwegian king's troops returned, and in greater numbers. The opposing troops gained the upper hand once more.

DONALBLUE:
Clever reference to a piece of media that won't exist for another 937 years!

MCDALCOLM:
[Shouts] Were MacJav and his partner, Banquoshi, not dismayed by this revelation?

TABUU:
You really need to back up, MCDalcolm, or you'll burst my eardrums with your cacophonous voice. And no, of course MacJav and Banquoshi weren't dismayed. Would a lion be dismayed by a rabbit? Would an eagle be dismayed by a sparrow? Would a loaf of garlic bread be dismayed by a vampire? Would a magnet be dismayed by a Juggalo? Would a stomach wound—

MCDALCOLM:
[Shouts] Get on with it.

DONALBLUE:
Yes, get on with it!

DUNCZILLA:
Rawr!

TABUU:
Sigh, I was just getting to the good analogies too. As cannons doubly charged, the duo fought twice as ferociously as before. Maybe they meant to bathe in the blood of their enemies, or maybe they wanted to sanctify another Golgotha, I can't tell. In fact, that's where my wounds came from: I was struck by one of their goddang doubly-charged cannonballs. Ah, the pain. I feel faint already. Can you please just get me to a hospital? I'm afraid the soil will give me infections.

MCDALCOLM:
[Still shouting] Thank you for relaying this vital information to us. Attendants, carry this man to the closest infirmary.

TABUU:
[Aside] Finally he takes the hint!

[Exuent TABUU with attendants]

DONALBLUE:
You know, you do not have to use the "royal voice" all the time. It's bad for your vocal chords.

MCDALCOLM:
Maybe I did overdo the volume a little bit. Besides, father will always have the best shout.

DUNCZILLA:
Rawr!

[Enter ROSS SHELL and FRENNOX]

MCDALCOLM:
Who comes here?

ROSS SHELL:
Ross Shell and Frennox, worthy thanes.

DONALBLUE:
[Aside] His eyes are all a blur! I'd bet he has some frightening news.

FRENNOX:
God save the king.

DUNCZILLA:
Rawr.

MCDALCOLM:
Where did you come from?

ROSS SHELL:
From the Thanage of Pipe, your honors. The Norwegian flag flies there, fanning the natives cold. The King of Norway himself led an army into the town, assisted by that traitor, the Thane of Fireflowdor!

DUNCZILLA:
Rawr! Rawr, rawr!

MCDALCOLM:
Indeed! Such treachery is unimaginable!

ROSS SHELL:
Luckily, that bridegroom of war MacJav waltzed into town and stopped the king in his tracks! The Norwegians' spirit was crushed, and they retreated. The victory fell to us.

DUNCZILLA:
Rawr! Rawr, rawr rarawr!

FRENNOX:
Indeed. So now the King wants to sign a peace treaty. Feh! He started this bloody feud, I feel he should pay the price. If not with his life, at least with tens of thousands of dollars!

MCDALCOLM:
Fireflowdor is in custody, correct? He deserves a traitor's punishment too. What do you say, father? Let us hang the backstabber, and give his title to the courageous warrior who brought him to justice, MacJav?

DUNCZILLA:
Rawr!

ROSS SHELL:
We'll see it done.

DONALBLUE:
What he has lost, noble MacJav has won.

[Exuent.]

[Enter MASON, hovering from above.]

MASON:
Pant, heave. How hovering drains me. Well, I may have ruined our fortune-telling hour, but this works well enough. MacJav is to be named the new Thane of Fireflowdor? He certainly doesn't know this. Truly, this is something we can use against him in the prank. My comrades will love me for discovering this! Maybe Edo will buy me that new broom as a present!

[Exuent.]