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CLUE: The Scottish Mario Play/Act II Scene 4

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[Town hospital. Five beds line the walls of the room; one each for FREAKWORLD, EDOFENRIR, TABUU, and DUNCZILLA’s corspe, plus one left empty. DR. TOADBERT is doing paperwork at the front desk. Enter VOMMACKDUFF, ROSS SHELL and MASON carrying faint LADY MACJAV.]

DR. TOADBERT:
Please state the nature of the medical emergency.

VOMMACKDUFF:
Another one, a noble from up the road. She has a punctured and broken left wing. She needs urgent medical attention before she loses more blood.

DR. TOADBERT:
My dear, fifth patient this morning. In all the years I can remember working as a doctor in this town, I’ve never seen more patients enter the emergency room in one sitting. If I had a nickel for every time a patient came in here today, I’d still be dirt poor but I insist it is a nice metaphor anyway!

[LADY MACJAV is placed in the empty bed. DR. TOADBERT begins examining the broken wing.]

ROSS SHELL:
How are the others doing?

DR. TOADBERT:
Except for the dead king, reasonably well. Tabuu’s finally stable and sedate, his abdominal surgery is complete and his Robocaptain upgrades are due tomorrow. Freakworld’s miraculously still alive after his stabbing and has been placed on life support, and Mr. Wayne’s concussion will heal with bed rest and acetaminophen.

EDOFENRIR:
Or magic. I’m a white mage, after all, healing is my specialty.

DR. TOADBERT:
He’s also delusional. What’s in the news?

VOMMACKDUFF:
The news is lying in your bed. The kingdom’s been in chaos since Dunczilla died. Chimneys blown down, dogs eating cats, chestnuts roasting on the open fires of hell, that sort of thing.

EDOFENRIR:
Did somebody say chestnuts?

DR. TOADBERT:
Shh.

VOMMACKDUFF:
It was the butler who did the deed, correct? Why are you keeping Freakworld on life support if he is guilty of treason?

DR. TOADBERT:
Hypocritic oath. I can do no harm to a patient, unless I want to. It’s humorous that way, and after all laughter is the best medicine.

VOMMACKDUFF:
Well, if he’s the murderer he’ll be hanged anyway, so what’s the point? Though I still have my doubts about the whole scenario. The butler didn’t have much of a reason to kill the guest, and he was attacked by another so the real murderer may still be on the loose.

EDOFENRIR:
You mean this dweeb in the other bed? What did you bring him in for? I was in the king’s bedchamber at the time of the murder, and though my vision’s double I can still see well enough to identify the guilty man. Freakwhatzit clearly ain’t the guy.

ROSS SHELL:
Well, who else could have done it?

VOMMACKDUFF:
Mr. Grayson and the princes rode off to the south riding broomsticks, according to eyewitness accounts. The two brothers could have framed it so it looked like the guard was the culprit, after all they were in the same room. All of their possessions were tossed into the sea, too, which they would only do if they needed to hide. They certainly had the motivation to carry it out too, since MCDalcolm is next in line to take the throne, so some suspicion has been placed on them.

MASON:
[To EDOFENRIR] What!? You told us we didn’t have the budget for broomsticks!

EDOFENRIR:
Can I see a picture of the elder one, the one in line for the throne?

[VOMMACKDUFF hands EDOFENRIR a photograph of MCDALCOLM. DR. TOADBERT begins wrapping LADY MACJAV’s wing in a cast.]

Well, he’s short, bald, yellow and green colored, has beady eyes, and wears corrective eyewear. I think it’s a close enough match.

VOMMACKDUFF
Serves them right.

ROSS SHELL:
Curiouser and curiouser! Nothing about this sounds natural. If he’s going to be king anyway, why kill the guy, your father no less, who supports your ascension, and why pin the crime on a lowly servant? Well, in any case, with the king dead and the princes suspected of treason, it looks as if MacJav will take the throne. He can’t be worse than the last king.

DR. TOADBERT:
Don’t jinx it.

VOMMACKDUFF:
We’re already on it; MacJav is traveling to Scone for the coronation as we speak. I’m off to my own home in Pipe as messenger; I have to inform the citizens of what has transpired.

ROSS SHELL:
Mmm, scones.

DR. TOADBERT:
I’ve still got a heavy day of operations ahead of me, but Dunczilla’s corpse will be sent back to Dunsinabbit as soon as possible. There, his skeleton will be safe from vandals. Don’t ask me why people would want to vandalize skeletons. It’s the latest fad with the young people, I presume.

ROSS SHELL:
I’ll just go to Scone and watch. If only we could go back in time in a blue police box and prevent all this madness from transpiring, maybe bring a companion or two and fight some Daleks on the way…

DR. TOADBERT:
Unfortunately for you and fortunately for my sanity, I am not that kind of doctor.

ROSS SHELL:
Aww.

VOMMMACKDUFF:
Well, good luck on your trip, Ross. Let’s hope things don’t get any worse under the new king.

ROSS SHELL:
Farewell, Vommackduff. And farewell, father.

VOMMACKDUFF:
Wait, he’s your father?

DR. TOADBERT:
Wait, I’m your father?

[Dun dun dunn.]

ROSS SHELL:
Nah. I’m just messing with you. Adieu!

DR. TOADBERT:
And kindly screw you for joking about that. Heaven knows I can’t keep count of children as it is, I don’t need one of my own. Good riddance to you all, I have more pressing matters I must attend to. Like, attending to my patients, or taking a trip to the grocery for supplies. Or breathing.

[Exit VOMMACKDUFF, ROSS SHELL, and DR. TOADBERT. EDO falls asleep.]

MASON:
I’m standing right here, you know. A little recognition once in a while would be nice. All the other characters get nice pretty speeches while I have barely said anything useful since Act 1. Lousy broomsticks, why when Anton returns I’ll give him a piece of my mind!

[Exit MASON.]

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