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CLUE: The Scottish Mario Play/Act II Scene 3

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[Hallway within Invernegg. Enter DRUNK PORTER, who is obviously drunk. Knocking.]

DRUNK PORTER:
Quit yer knockin’! Even the gates o’ Hell wouldn’t be this loud! Ye’ll wake the guests!

[Knocking.]

Knock, knock, knock, does it e’er end? Who’s ‘ere at the door? Well, if this is Hell, in th’ name of Flareon all sinners are welcome. Mebbe it’s an auld troll who dinnae get a response out o’ his targets. Come in, newbie, and mind th’ banhammer on th’ way in!

[Knocking.]

Knock-knock. What’s th’ other devil’s name again? Ah’ll mynd it later. Mebbe it’s an unwise thane who tried to bar alcohol in ‘is town. Dinnae he heed the tale o’ th’ American Prohibition? When ye take awa’ a man’s bevvy, he just makes ‘is ain! Ah should ken, I do it all the time. Come in, thane, there’s more than enough soft drinks in ‘ere for ye!

[Knocking.]

Or mebbe it’s two beloved video game characters corrupted for th’ purposes of a fan comic that’s run oan too lang! Come in, Mario an’ Starlow, there’s nae townsfolk ye need tae oppress in ‘ere.

[Knocking.]

Ah, but it’s too cold in ‘ere for Hell. An’ it can’t be Heaven, ‘cause that’s even hotter. A shame too, I hae a whole list of sinners tae welcome!

[Knocking.]

Oh, stop it an’ open th’ door already, it’s nae locked! Remember to tip!

[Enter VOMMACKDUFF and FRENNOX]

VOMMACKDUFF:
Greetings, doorman of questionable sobriety who is interestingly in possession of the only vaguely Scottish accent in this Scottish production. Did you go to bed so late, that you cannot wake this morning?

DRUNK PORTER:
Oh, it’s ye two. Bugger off, yer too big to come inside. An’ yeah, Ah was up drinking until three in th’ morn, so what?

VOMMACKDUFF:
Why does everybody saying that? King Dunczilla’s just as tall, and he fits just fine.

FRENNOX:
Why does MacJav employ a constantly-drunk porter, anyway? It seems counter-productive to security. I mean, drinking is great at provoking many things, but not–

DRUNK PORTER:
Aye, three things in particular. Um, hiccoughs, sleepwalking, liver disease, bad humor, and, uh, urine.

FRENNOX:
That was five things.

DRUNK PORTER:
It also makes ye forget how tae count. An’ lechery, it provokes an’ unprovokes. It gives ye th’ desire, but takes awa’ th’ performance, if ye ken what Ah mean. It gives ye the lie, but–

VOMMACKDUFF:
We’re going to stop right there, there are children in this castle.

FRENNOX:
What children? And I’d bet alcohol gave you the lie last night, didn't it?

DRUNK PORTER:
Aye, but Ah’d wager Ah can still operate heavy machinery! Wanna see me try?

[Enter MACJAV, drowsy from lack of sleep.]

MACJAV:
What is all this banter about alcohol, and why have I not been invited to partake in it?

VOMMACKDUFF:
Oh hey, Mr. Fireflowdor! Is the king still asleep?

MACJAV:
[Nervously] Yes, err, why?

VOMMACKDUFF:
He told me to wake him up early, a Toho Kaiju marathon is playing on TV this morning.

MACJAV:
Good luck entering the bedchamber. With three beds, it is a tight enough fit already.

VOMMACKDUFF:
Screw you. I don’t make fun of you because you’re three feet tall, why does everybody make fun of me because I’m big? You know what, I’ll prove it to you, I can fit into the bedchamber and tell him myself! Come along, Porter, show me to his door.

[Exit VOMMACKDUFF and the DRUNK PORTER]

MACJAV:
[Aside]Oh dear, here we go. When they see the dead body, it will be pandamonium. I don’t even know if DragonFreak planted the evidence. Why did I ever agree to this?
No wait, do not go! I can get him for you!

FRENNOX:
What do you have against him doing his job?

MACJAV:
[Nervously] Um, the room is… unkempt! The south wall is collapsed, and with the wind we have been having all the sheets and furniture have been blown about haphazardly.

FRENNOX:
That’s a lame excuse.

MACJAV:
I know, sorry.

[Enter VOMMACKDUFF]

VOMMACKDUFF:
Guys, guys, come in! I desperately need your help!

MACJAV:
Did you get stuck?

VOMMACKDUFF:
This is not a time to joke, Fireflowdor! Neither tongue nor heart can convey the horror of this tragedy!

FRENNOX:
What is it, then?

VOMMACKDUFF:
The worst thing imaginable has happened! Most terrifying murder has struck the bedchamber, and taken the life from it!

MACJAV:
If you can’t tell us, then at least show us.

FRENNOX:
What do you mean “the life”? You can’t mean the king, do you?

[Exuent MACJAV and FRENNOX]

VOMMACKDUFF:
Everybody, wake up! The king is dead! Arise from your slumber, death’s counterfeit, and see the real deal! Oh, what a show of horror! I’ll ring the bell, all must be awake to hear the news!

[Enter MACJAV, FRENNOX, LADY MACJAV, BANQUOSHI, and ROSS SHELL. LADY MACJAV’s wings are hidden under her dress, as to obscure her wound.]

LADY MACJAV:
What’s this business? I could barely get to sleep last night, and now you wake me up before sunrise. This had better be important.

BANQUOSHI:
Apparently King Dunczilla is dead, Lady MacJav.

FRENNOX:
Indeed. I’m a licensed coroner, and examination does aver, that he’s not only merely dead, but really most sincerely dead.

LADY MACJAV:
Thanks, but I didn’t need the Wizard of Oz reference to get the point.

MACJAV:
[Feigning shock] Oh, gracious! Not in our house! What vile criminal could think to do such a bloody deed?

FRENNOX:
What are you talking about? Dunczilla was the worst ruler Scotland has ever known. Anyone, even his sons, would be a step up. Now we don’t even have to pretend we tolerate him.

MACJAV:
But the murderer will still be brought to justice, right?

FRENNOX:
Of course, of course, in due time. But now, it is time for a celebration!

BANQUOSHI:
Isn’t that a bit… morbid of you, Frennox? Of course nobody liked Dunczilla’s policies, but to celebrate his passing?

ROSS SHELL:
I agree with Banquoshi, Frennox, what the hell? We were all friends of the king, to mock the king in death would be unvirtuous.

[Enter MCDALCOLM, DONALBLUE, ANTON, and MASON.]

MCDALCOLM:
What about my father?

FRENNOX:
He’s dead. Murdered in his sleep with a pointed stick last night.

MACJAV:
[Aside] Phew, they found the javelin. We are in the clear.

MCDALCOLM:
Oh, dear! If only he hadn’t insisted on taking all those self-defense against fruit classes, he could have learned how to protect himself against a pointed stick!

BANQUOSHI:
Do we have any suspects?

VOMMACKDUFF:
The stick was found in the clutches of the butler. Blood was smeared across his face and hands, and a notebook containing detailed step-by-step instructions on how to kill a political dignitary were found under his pillow.

ROSS SHELL:
Ah, of course. The butler is always the murderer, so that makes sense.

FRENNOX:
However, another weapon, a dagger, was found stuck into his chest the second time MacJav and I went back. I can’t figure why.

MACJAV:
Oh, that was I who killed them
[Aside] What did I say? Why did I admit that?

VOMMACKDUFF:
Hmm? What do you mean?

MACJAV:
[Clearly making up an excuse on the spot.] Well, would not the death of our king startle you? If you were thrust into such a heartbreaking scenario, would you be able to maintain your composure? No, because nobody can gaze over the innocent, blood-drenched corpse of a friend and feel anything but anger and vengeance. Even if he was a rather mediocre king, he is still the face of the nation, and he has been a loyal friend and ally all these years. He treated us like virtual kin, and for some of us he was actual kin. What monster would dare dispose of our well-intentioned, if feeble, leader in such a callous fashion? I saw the butler dripping in the blood of the king, asleep with such a smug, insulting grin. I am not afraid to admit that I stood up to our enemy, that I was the one who–

LADY MACJAV:
[Aside] If he finishes his speech, we’ll be here all day. Or worse yet, he may let slip that he killed Dunczilla, too. I’ll just pretend to faint so we can get on with it.
Help me, I’m off balance! I must have injured my wing overnight. Somebody catch me!

VOMMACKDUFF:
Attend to Lady MacJav. I don't know how I didn't notice before, but her wing is clearly broken and punctured. We have to get her to an infirmary before she loses more blood. MacJav and Unikitty, help me carry her.

[Exit MASON, VOMMACKDUFF and MACJAV, carrying LADY MACJAV’s limp body offstage.]

BANQUOSHI:
We shall discuss this matter at another time. Right now, our fears shake us. But by Poochy’s providence I will discover the secret behind this treason. Too many things have connected for this tragedy to be coincidence.

[Exit ROSS SHELL, FRENNOX, and BANQUOSHI follow.]

DONALBLUE:
Poor father! I’m so shocked I couldn’t speak. What do we do now?

MCDALCOLM:
That accursed MacJav! He insured our security, and then hires a murderer as a bodyguard! I have lost my complete trust in Invernegg.

DONALBLUE:
Stop saying you have complete trust in things. It’s not cute or funny, you're always wrong about it, and you just end up sounding like a broken record.

MCDALCOLM:
Agreed. Let us not consort with this folk any longer. There were thirteen people in this castle. Now two are dead and at least one more wants to kill us. No crown is worth the danger of assassination. I’m not sure who I can trust anymore, especially not our closest friends. We’ll be safer hiding overseas, where the locals won’t know we’re royalty. I’ll escape to England.

DONALBLUE:
And I to Orlando, Florida.

MCDALCOLM:
Split up, it’ll be much harder for whoever orchestrated this murder to– wait, why all the way in Florida?

DONALBLUE:
I don’t have any lines for the rest of the play, does it really matter where I flee to? Besides, Disney World and Universal Studios will be there, when they’re built in a few centuries I’ll be first in line!

ANTON:
If you two need a lift, I can certainly oblige. I know an easy way overseas that’ll beat the port authority and be faster than any passenger ship.

DONALBLUE:
How convenient!

MCDALCOLM:
I’m not convinced. How do I know you’re not the murderer, and you’re not just going to kill us as soon as we get there?

ANTON:
We’re alone, you’re unarmed, and I’m smarter and stronger than both of you combined. If I wanted you dead, you would be dead already.

MCDALCOLM:
Fair point. But what kind of travel could possibly be faster than sea?

ANTON:
Why, air of course! Fasten your seatbelts, because we’re flying!

[ANTON hands broomsticks to MCDALCOLM and DONALBLUE.]

DONALBLUE:
What in tarnation are these? Broomsticks?

ANTON:
Flying broomsticks. A personal trick of the trade. It’s like surfing, just bend your knees and use your arms.

MCDALCOLM:
Wait, don’t tell me you’re a witch?

ANTON:
Ding ding ding, give the man a prize. I guess my cover is blown, though I didn't have much of a cover in the first place. Think of it as a “thank you” for all those years of persecution and stake-burning. I don’t want to kill you. Well, I want you dead, but combat is more Edo’s territory. Besides, I know a punishment even worse: living. Living in poverty while the old dynasty crumbles around you and the new order is established, living in hiding just as you forced me into hiding, living to see the kind of people your father maltreated for so much of his life take control of a new empire. Enjoy your safety in anonymity, because with all good things comes a price. It’s only whether you want to pay it.

[Exit MCDALCOLM, DONALBLUE, and ANTON.]

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