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CLUE: The Scottish Mario Play/Act II Scene 1

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[Stairwell inside Invernegg. Enter witches, descending said stairwell.]

ANTON:
Heh! Everything's going according to plan! We just need to wait 'til nightfall, and the game shall begin!

MASON:
Hey, Anton? Do you think we should get into the hotel business?

ANTON:
Why would we do that?

MASON:
Well, think about it. MacJav just charged us £6 pounds a night for a three-bed room on the second floor, which by itself is a lot of money in medieval times. Then add on the room service fee, the parking pass, and I'm not even going to mention how all the meals and snacks are marked up. By the end of it all, he'll probably charge us our yearly salary. Fortune telling is the wrong business, lodging is where the real money is! We could make a killing!

EDOFENRIR:
Maybe later, Mason. We have more pressing matters at hand. Like, trying to blend into the crowd and looking as little witch-like as possible so we're not burned alive.

MASON:
Aww.

[They enter MacJav's office room, which contains MACJAV, BANQUOSHI, FLEAMPHE, and executives.]

BANQUOSHI:
Do you really have to hold a business meeting today of all days? We just came back from battle.

MACJAV:
You invited yourselves here, we might as well get some work done while we are at it. [Notices the witches] And who are you, exactly? I do not recall you being welcome down here?

EDOFENRIR:
Um... err... Bruce Wayne? CEO of Wayne Enterprises.

MACJAV:
Hmm?

EDOFENRIR:
And these are my associates. Erm, Dick Grayson, and... Business Kitty?

MASON:
Meow, business, business, numbers. Is this working?

FLEAMPHE:
Seems legit to me. Anyway, our task today is to come up with new product lines. Who would like to go first?

MACJAV:
The floor is yours, Fleamphe. I plan to present last.

FLEAMPHE:
Alrighty then. I have a new idea for a product that will revolutionize the world of astronomy! For centuries, mankind has gazed at the night sky, wondering what secrets they may fold. Unfortunately, the planets and stars have always strayed just too far from our grasp, and for the longest time we could only examine their positions. Well, wait no more! For the first time, you may view the heavens from the safety of your doorstep! Using a system of reflective glass, this device magnifies the light the stars emit so you can examine celestial objects like never before! I call it the telescope.

BANQUOSHI:
I'm sorry, son, but it'll never catch on.

MACJAV:
Good try, though. I thought it was a marvelous idea, but reflective glass would not be cost-effective enough. Anyone else have any ideas?

MASON:
Ooh, how about my special brand of cornmeal? It makes reindeer fly.

MACJAV:
That is perhaps the stupidest concept I have ever heard. Who would ever find that useful? Seriously, nobody else?

BANQUOSHI:
I have a few ideas for butcher's knives, but I know they'll just be ignored anyway.

MACJAV:
Anyone? Fine, I will go. [MACJAV pins up a blueprint on the wall.] We have just escaped a deadly war with Norway. Before my trusty partner and I essentially saved your behinds at the last minute, we were losing. Badly. Thousands of soldiers gave their lives to protect this land, and it was almost for naught. But I say no more. Banquoshi and I will not live forever, and if our great land is to survive, we need to redesign our military and police service to follow the times. We need soldiers better than your run-of-the-mill knight, soldiers who are stronger, faster, and more resilient. After weeks of trial and error, I think I have found the solution. I introduce to you, the Robocaptain! I was also considering "Tabuunator", but that sounds silly.

FLEAMPHE:
I thought you were against drone warfare?

MACJAV:
I am. But the Robocaptain is not a drone. He is a living, breathing human being inside a metal shell that greatly enhances his natural abilities. The plan is to take fallen soldiers and simply rebuild them into an impenetrable defensive force endowed with super strength, speed, and mental capacity. The best part is that his brain will be reprogrammed to be completely loyal to the king, so he will never give Norway our secrets like that old scumbag Fireflowdor did.

BANQUOSHI:
I don't know, doesn't this seem kind of anachronistic? This is 1100's Scotland, not dystopian 1987 Detroit.

MACJAV:
What is a Detroit?

BANQUOSHI:
My point exactly.

MACJAV:
Well, let us raise the funds to start the project, and with the Robocaptains' help we will create the greatest Detroit there ever was, right here in Scotland!

EDOFENRIR:
I'm sold!

MACJAV:
See, the rich guy I hardly know agrees with me!

BANQUOSHI:
Can't argue with strangers. I second the motion to greenlight the Robocaptain project.

FLEAMPHE:
Aye!

MACJAV:
So it is settled. We shall commence construction of the first prototype, Tabuu, in three days. Now with our business trajectory set, let us meet up again tomorrow to discuss marketing and sales. Farewell, to your rooms.

[Exit all, except MACJAV and BANQUOSHI]

Say, where is MCDalcolm? He was supposed to be in attendance.

BANQUOSHI:
He's still at the dinner table. He said he had "complete trust" that the waiter would give him a vanilla parfait, but the kitchen only had chocolate in stock. So now he's busy chewing out the kitchen staff.

MACJAV:
Ah, I see.

BANQUOSHI:
We should be getting to bed, shouldn't we? The king's in bed. He, for one, loved the dessert.

MACJAV:
I wish I had been informed earlier of Dunczilla's arrival, so we could provide for him and the royal family better. After all, they were so kind to us.

BANQUOSHI:
Pshaw, all’s well. As long as he has enough fish, Dunczilla's happy anywhere. I had a dream last night, about the weird witches.

MACJAV:
I know. It feels almost as if their shadow has followed us, as if they are occupying the same castle, in a three-bed room on the second floor. I try not to think about it, but if you want we can spend some time on that business before bed.

BANQUOSHI:
I can oblige.

MACJAV:
Wait, I change my mind, not right now. But stay here, stick with me and you shall make some honors for yourself.

BANQUOSHI:
As long as I don't have to compromise my morals, I'll stand by your side.

MACJAV:
Funny you should mention morals... well, good night, see you tomorrow.

BANQUOSHI:
Thanks, sir!

[Exit BANQUOSHI.]

MACJAV:
Well, everyone is asleep, time to do some dirty work—

[MISTY materializes.]

Is this a dagger I see before me, floating besides the door like a bloody apparition in the misty night?

MISTY:
Hey.

MACJAV:
A talking dagger at that! Are you real? Can I touch you?

MISTY:
Probably not. I'm just another one of your insane visions.

MACJAV:
Oh, bummer. It must be the anxiety acting up again. Well, in any case you look as real as any dagger I have ever seen.

MISTY:
Thanks, I put on my best steel polish today. Always ready to please.

MACJAV:
Say, you probably know my shattered psyche better than I do. Should I really go through with the murder? I want to be king and all, and Poochy knows I want to please my wife, but Dunczilla is still one of my best friends and I am ashamed to betray him.

MISTY:
Let ‘im rot. The old codger had it coming to him. I can even point the way to his bed chamber so you can get it over with faster.

[MISTY points to the left.]

MACJAV:
Thanks, that is kind of you. Are you absolutely certain no bad will come of this? No one will find out?

MISTY:
Aside from a spike in crime and haphazard natural disasters immediately after his death, nada. You’re in the clear.

MACJAV:
Good, then I have nothing to fear. I like you, misty floating murder weapon. I can call you "Misty" for short, right? Say, we could be fond friends.

MISTY:
I'm sorry, but I must go after I help you. My fellow dagger-people are in trouble, and need my assistance.

MACJAV:
Just not my night, is it? Goodbye, Misty. Good luck saving your species. I hope you do not die on the way back to your home planet.

[MISTY dematerializes. Note: Misty died on the way back to his home planet anyway.]

Well, I go, and it is done. It is almost midnight, DragonFreak will be waiting for me in the bedchamber. I have to move now, before my courage cools again. Hear not the tolling of the bells, Dunczilla, for they will wake you and ruin our play. If all goes well, you will never see day. Oops, it appears I have spoken in rhyme. I must go quickly, before I lose time. Darny darn, I did it again.

[Exit MACJAV.]



[DEATH TALLY: 1 (Misty)]